Querido Epic Review Final Chapter: All's Well That Ends Well... so this is not well

In the last episode of Querido Epic Review, our story kind of came to a close as Mystica resolved her main dilemma with balancing her life as a businesswoman with her showbiz career. It, of course, left a lot of other hanging plot holes that will never get resolved. But in the grand scale of things, it probably doesn't matter. Despite the main story wrapping up, there's still an hour and five minutes left. Join me as we finish watching Mystica's epic genius masterpiece, Querido.

The final part of Querido starts with a talk show-like segment where Mystica talks about problems and issues important to you the viewers.

She also advertises something in this segment...

MYSTICA COFFEE!? WHERE DO I BUY THIS!?

Mystica talks behind her numerous awards (that she awards herself?) about sneaky business propositions that get you to do stuff. You know, like when people invite you to some event, buffet or seminar just to show that it is actually an opportunity for them to sell their shit to you. I've actually been witness to this sort of thing, and thankfully we didn't bite the thing that was offered to us. It's good advice, but this is just weird to watch especially in the middle of a movie with Macho Dancers, sex tapes and Mystica. It seems that she's experienced this sort of scam before, so she's speaking from experience.

She then tells the story of how she was involved with this company (after explicitly telling us that she isn't going to name any specific names) and how she was hoodwinked into spending money to get condos for cheap.

This moment is totally weird and has nothing to do with the rest of the movie. It's as if Mystica suddenly forgot what she was doing, decided that the last five hours were enough, and filled up the rest of the time with... this.

Another part of the movie is where Mystica is preaching to us about how we should all repent and pray to Jesus or whatever to get salvation. Not kidding.

There's something wrong about that bottommost sentence...

Again, this moment has little to do with the rest of the movie. In a separate video, Mystica even takes this to be the real meaning of the movie we have just watched. Hey, all I saw was Gangnam Style, Violence, Sex and Spicy Facebook. If there really was anything that I got from the movie, it's this:

Querido is about a woman, while still married, gets into multiple relationships out of wedlock (Proverbs 6:32, Hebrews 13:4) makes a sex tape with her boyfriend (1 Corinthians 6:18), is alternately proud and ashamed of the tape, even shunning her adopted child (Matthew 18:5, Hebrews 2:11) because he was concerned about her honor (Exodus 20:12) while her other wards regularly beat up anyone who gets in their way instead of seeking justice normally (Ezekiel 25:17). Also, she kinda seduces a news reporter who only wants to get into her computer (Proverbs 7:21).

And nowhere in the main story do we ever see Mystica's self-character repent for any of what she did. No lines of her separating from her husband, no lines of her regretting doing the sex tape, etc etc etc.

But the movie did have these two mooks doing a Dating Daan spoof, so they've got that going for them, which is nice.

Mystica talks about the "second level" of our lives, meaning the afterlife. So I guess the moral lesson is, if you want to go to heaven, don't do anything that anyone does in this movie.

That makes up about 28 minutes of the running time for this part. The rest of this segment is made up of footage of Mystica's wedding... to Kid Lopez/Troy. So I guess extramarital boyfriends do win in the end, if we are to take this scene to be still part of the movie. If not, then I wish them all the best.

I actually remember seeing a segment on this in the news.

So now Kid Lopez is Mr. Mystica. And the wedding footage (and the movie) ends with Mystica's rendition of Mariah Carey's A Hero Lies in You. THE END.

There's one thing I want to say before we move on to the director's cut: I want to punch this guy in the face.

look at this guy. LOOK AT HIS SMUG FUCKING FACE. He looks like Dana Carvey from Master of Disguise.

If you ask me why, I couldn't give you a straight answer. Things just happen. And thankfully, there's no honeymoon footage.

 

OMG I'M FINALLY DONE

And here ends 6 hours and 52 minutes of crazy wildball insanity. I was pleasantly surprised and entertained by this film, but as I said in the previous part, probably for different reasons.

... So I was telling you about the extended cut to Querido, which is eight hours long. While most of the parts stay where they are, there are some minor differences. Part 6 of 7 of this cut has this scene where Mystica teaches her talents how to do the splits. But first, SPICY FACEBOOK IS BACK!!

she kinda looks like Jill Rose from the Mang Kanor videos.

Okay, back to Mystica teaching her talents the spli-

...what the fuck?

 Part 7 has more of Mystica's talk show segments, with her interviewing her friends with the environmental group, news clips of her and the policeman who hit her car, Mystica talking about her Citizen's crime watch thingy, and there's this bitchin' clip with her and her talents dancing on a bridge:

time to PARTAAAAY

There's also boring footage of her talking and giving out awards, and it's obvious that this longer cut doesn't feel as complete as the seven hour cut of the film. And that's where it ends, I'm afraid. Thanks for sticking around. Our proverbial Dante has made it out of hell, climbing up Lucifer's body and ending among the stars. There may be other hidden gems like this, in the shadows, gems that, when viewed, can drive one truly mad. But I will be there, watching them and walking you through them. Because I'm the hero Philippine cinema deserves, but not the one it needs right now So I'll watch  movies like Querido because I can take it. Because I'm not your hero. I am a silent guardian, a  watchful protector... 

A Macho Dancer in the Dark.

DIRECTED BY CHRISTOPHER NOLAN