Querido Epic Review Part 1: I'm an Environmentalist

It's been a while since I saw the last of Ruby Rose Villanueva, better known to Filipinos as Mystica. She released a few good songs and was in some TV specials and a couple of movies. But now, Mystica has released a movie on youtube, called Querido, and it's a doozy.

First of all, its running time goes just under seven freaking hours, to be exact, a whopping six hours and fifty two minutes long. That's 29 minutes shorter than Melancholia, one of Lav Diaz's longest films.The trailer along runs fifteen minutes and it functions like a proper trailer in that it doesn't even begin to unravel the complex plot.

I've seen the film, and it defies any sort of attempt at review. Many may call it a masterpiece. Many may dismiss it as the ramblings of an addled mind. But I am not here to do a review. Let me be the Virgil to your Dante, dear reader, and allow me to walk you through these Malbolges of cinematic abstraction. Let us take a walk through... Querido.

The movie opens with this shot of a guy probably looking at internet porn with ominous thunder in the distance, despite it looking like a sunny day through the window just beside him...

that hand looks ready for a good 'bate.

After a short clip from one of the Tulfo Brothers, there's a montage of real and fake headlines about Mystica, and then there's the opening scene, that has to be seen to be believed. There's spotlights in the background, and then O Fortuna (yes, O Fortuna the super dramatic orchestral piece from Carmina Burana) starts playing, which then evolves into an epic rock orchestral piece with the same lights... and a Macho Dancer.

I'M NOT FUCKING KIDDING.

This is Kid Lopez, who we'll get back to later. The whole credits scene goes on for minutes, which explains the insane running time of this film. Another amazing thing is that the dance sequence doesn't loop. That dude dances like that for the entire length of the credits. But even equally notable are the credits for the cast, which includes such delicious luminaries such as The Mystic Champs:

WAIT.

really?

really?

Vince BOPIS?

Did whoever gave these guys their names, like, run out of names to give? I mean, the other two guys are deliciously complete meals that you can eat at the dinner table. But Bopis is a street food for crying out loud. I mean come on. One way I'd like to see this played with is having twin macho dancers named Sinangag and Sinigang, just to fuck with the people saying the names.

There's also...

Yes, ladies and gentlemen. SPICY FACEBOOK. Soon to be joined by her peers Savory Google, Salty Instagram and Umami Youtube.

The credits scene alone is worth the price of admission (free)! and is a measuring stick for the tone of the rest of the film. A masterpiece beyond masterpieces. 10/10! Five Stars! Four Stars!

The movie then cools down a bit to show  a couple of interviews with Mystica and some other guy about who the 'real' Mystica is. And this is going to be a major thing in the next few parts of the movie, because I cannot stress how meta this entire movie is. It's almost genius how this thing was put together. But in the meantime, we see shots of cameramen following Mystica around while she walks her puppies:

this scene is set to the music from Requiem for a Dream. I'm not kidding.

Delight turns to horror as she throws one of the puppies into the swimming pool, followed by her standing around the pool as her crew try to clean the mess she made:

I wonder how much water and energy that swimming pool uses. hmm...

After a few more shots, there's a creepy shot of some dude looking at Mystica's pictures on her official website:

not heard: the sound of fapping.

The next shot introduces Patrick Bernard, Mystica's foreigner producer dude who she has a relationship with.They exchange some inane pleasantries and talk about their deals and shit. 

This guy is the second best actor in the entire film, and that's relatively speaking. What follows is a montage of scenes set to more dramatic background music about Mystica, foreigner dude and her entourage going around doing boring shit. I like to call these lulls in action filler moments, and it's one of the things that add to the movie's running time. Mystica goes to a guesting gig, then talks with Patrick about their prospects. This conversation then cuts into a later conversation where he tells her that she's done with the acting thing and should concentrate on something else. Mystica shows off her acting chop (she only has one) and expresses concern.

The next scene shows Mystica meeting with a bunch of environmental guys. From what I can understand (the scene is a bit confusing) they want to buy a bunch of trees from Mystica's foundation.

The scene then cuts randomly to Kid Lopez' character, Troy Montes, asking to have a photoshoot from his gay friend. Said friend then notices his nose is a bit different. Troy then tells him about the excellent treatment he had at [Mystica's Business Partner's] clinic, where he had a nose job. And of course, in the best traditions of Too Much Information, the movie then cuts to them doing the procedure on that guy.

AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

The scene then returns to the photoshoot in progress, THEN it cuts back to Mystica visiting some other office where she guests on some talk show. Here the movie shifts into a semi documentary tone. What follows is one of the most bizarre scenes in the entire film. Pierre or Patrick or whatever his name was is watching a Youtube video with pictures and scenes of the environment screwing up the Philippines, then it shows a picture of Mystica which then inexplicably becomes credits IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FILM.

see? not kidding.

"I'm an environmentalist."

-Mystica

Pierre the Foreign Guy is now speaking to Mystica, which then segways into one of the most well known (?) segments of the film. Pierre/Patrick/Whatever tells Mystica she has to take off all of her sexy pictures from the site because they lost a client. Mystica then argues with him (intercutting with his silent face) that the sexy stuff is part of the Mystica 'package' and that prude can take it or leave it. Of course this fact is told in a more rambly-er, chaotic manner, so you're welcome. I just simplified that shit.

The scene then cuts to another conversation between the two (at a different time.) It seems that Foreign Dude has not yet legally separated from his wife (!!), and that she wants him to go back (!!!) and that he wants Mystica to be the head of their Philippine Division (!!!!) or something. You'd think M. Night would be proud of these developments, but that's not all. Mystica reveals that she isn't separated with her foreigner husband either (!!!!!!!!!) and lets loose this piece of screenwriting gold:

 “How could you do this to me?  You said you were single … is this some kind of a joke? I’ve already announced to the whole world, especially in the Philippines. It’s already in the newspapers, on televisions (sic), on my interviews (sic), that you and me (sic) are together. And not just business partners.”- Mystica

Someone hand out an award already.

The next scene is... wait, is Troy jacking off in front of some kid!? No, he's just beating some eggs. Literally.

he didn't have to take his shirt off, though.

After another meeting with the environmental charity group about buying some trees (can't they just get those trees from the DENR or something? Aren't those seeds/trees, like, free?) Mystica then organizes a pageant to get her new stable of talents/macho dancers/boylets. Another fluff montage of her doing pageant and environmental work, set to the Mission Impossible theme, no less, ensues.

One of these scenes involve Mystica giving away food and drink to the needy... in styrofoam and plastic cups. Now what was the decay rate of styro and plastic cups again? I'm sure this has no negative impact on the environment at all.

"I'm an environmentalist." - Mystica

We see Spicy Facebook for the first time, and she is introduced to Mystica as an aspiring talent. (For some reason, all of Mystica's talents call her mommy, which made distinguishing her talents from her real children quite difficult.) Troy gets chosen by Mystica and wins the pageant, and he does another Macho Dance (probably the same one we saw in the opening credits.) Yet another fluff montage ensues with Mystica doing normal shit and Troy lifting weights.

Mystica tells her real son about some showbiz stuff. We then cut to Mystica and Troy in a fluff montage obviously being flirty with each other, despite having recently met. Something's not right in Las Vegas. Troy meets with the gay manager of his macho dancing club/sugar daddy (? I am honestly not sure) and parts with him amicably. The talk about being a sugar daddy is not glossed on, they tell it matter of fact.

The movie then cuts to its most meta scene yet: Mystica talks with her subordinates about making the film we are watching right now (and titling it Querido.) Another short clip, then a scene where Mystica is grooming Spicy Facebook to take over her doing the splits and dance duties (and eventually the business?) sometime soon. Here ends part 1.

So what did I think so far? I guess this quote by my viewing partner is apt:

"Few movies can keep me up at the wee hours of the morning... Singing in the Rain, Gone With the Wind... and Querido."

-anonymous

In the next installment of Querido Epic Review... more Spicy Facebook! The Fourth Dimension is completely broken! Pickup Lines! And finally, a staple of 80's-90's Philippine Cinema. Stay Tuned...