Querido Epic Review Part 2: There's always room for a beach scene

In the last episode of our Epic Review of Querido, Mystica has managed to create a complex epic tale of environmentalism (tm), Macho Dancing, adultery galore, and people named after meals. In the second hour of this epic we explore the beach, karaoke, more random shit and of course, more Macho Dancing.

Part 2 starts with Spicy Facebook and her friend buying stuff at a sari-sari store. Why they would buy their shit there is really not important, as it's done to set up the plot. It turns out that Troy is also making a purchase at the store, and the two meet. What really made me look at this scene was Spicy's friend, who is probably the best actress this film ever had. She looks at Troy with such longing, such emotion that I wonder if it was deliberate or not:

Spicy is the one with the floral pattern dress.

 SOMEONE GIVE THE GIRL IN BLACK A FAMAS AWARD. NOW.

We cut to a later scene where Troy meets up with Spicy, and girl in black meets up with Mystica's real son. They not only meet, but do so in dramatic fashion:

whoa, watch that skirt, Troy.

I don't have to tell you that this scene is set to dramatic music. The driver witnesses the two, then sees Mystica's son and girl in black also together. The next scene is really weird. Mystica rants about being in love for a few minutes. What better scene to follow it up with than A SCENE OF MYSTICA AND TROY IN THE SHOWER DANCING TO GANGNAM STYLE IN FAST FORWARD?

This scene is almost two minutes long and is sped up like five times. That probably makes that a ten minute long shower. I wonder how much water was used?

"I'm an environmentalist." - Mystica

After another fluff scene with Troy, Spicy, Mystica's son and girl in black, we move on to two of Mystica's talents... hitting on Mystica? Also, Mystica seems to have discovered how to add hue changes to the film in Windows Movie Maker, as much of the scene is tinted in yellow:

at least it wasn't changing hues fast like in the shower scene...

Troy talks to Spicy about some shit, with Spicy oblivious that Troy is cavorting with his manager. After that, it's a fluff documentary scene where it's someone's birthday and everyone is eating happily. Mystica then goes to promote her spa, gives her costar an award (that she made?) and promotes that clinic that did the nose job on Troy. THEN, one of the best scenes of the hour ensue. The Mystica Champs (those gentlemen named after foods) bounce one-liners off each other. Who can forget lines like:

1: Dictionary ka ba?
2: Bakit?
1: Kasi sayo ko lang nahanap ang meaning ko.

or

1: Wala akong maisip na pickup line eh.
2: Bakit?
1: Kasi puro ikaw na lang ang laman ng isip ko eh.

BOOM VANNESS.

The Mystica Champs then practice their routine (shirtless of course.) It's obvious that Troy has the best body of all of them. The bald guy in the back looks like he was picked out of some random drinking circle, the rest look like construction workers.

I'm betting the bald one is Vince Bopis.

After another fluff scene with the Mystica Champs in some kind of show, we see Spicy Facebook and gay dude with glasses promoting... this film we are watching right now. My mind at this point is blown. This film does not only break the fourth wall, it-

"...breaks the fourth dimension of space and time." - my viewing partner

Spicy is asked what place in the Philippines is representative of Mystica's stance on the environment. She answers Puerto Galera and that gives the film an excuse to have... A BEACH SCENE!!!

It's more like they're at the beach for the rest of this hour rather than just an individual scene. Because, why the hell not? We almost get a scene of Mystica vomiting from seasickness, but in a rare example of mercy, this film does not show it.

Most of the next 15 minutes is full of fluff montages and scenes of Mystica lying in bed from exhaustion or seasickness. The one entertaining spot of this stretch is the flamboyant person who introduces us to Mystica's room, and interviews the couple...?

the guy on the right is the most exciting part of this section of the film.

It appears that Mystica has a little show in Puerto Galera. Here follows one of the most bizarrely meta sections of the film: she first explains to the crowd that she's making the film, introduces the actor and says he's not really a macho dancer, then acts out a scene where she sings Total Eclipse of the Heart, while Troy Macho Dances around her.

Here's where you'd ask me if this film I'm reviewing is the actual film or the making of the film. I'd answer both. This film, with its fourth dimension breaking properties, has a scene in the film about the making of the film we are watching right now. Xzibit would be proud.

What follows are even more fluff scenes where Troy is having a photoshoot with Mystica, an inexplicable dream sequence where Troy (STILL WITHOUT CLOTHES) acts gay with two other guys:

I'm assuming this is some sort of dream sequence.

And a scene where he macho dances to Michael Jackson:

this scene... defies explanation.

More fluff scenes ensue with the couple going on a talk show, going to SM Mall of Asia, riding in a merry-go-round (and dry humping the horses there), riding around in bumper cars and so on. This goes on for like 15-20 minutes.

We then see Mystica and Foreign Dude arguing about Troy showing up on her Youtube and Facebook. She still wants to be in showbiz, while Foreign Dude doesn't want any of it. In her own words:

"I'm still well known for the Mystica." - Mystica.

and

"It's all about the humanitarian." Mystica

She also tells him that Troy's not just some boy toy from the street she picked up, she really likes the dude despite the age gap. She also wants to make her movie (which we are STILL watching RIGHT NOW) the way she wants to. This ends part 2.

So what about this part? With all the montages and fluff, it's actually one of the slower hours of the entire movie, but the whole meta part is amazing if you think about it.

On the next episode of Querido Epic Review... Confrontation! Shymalan Twists! and... An Action Scene!?