Querido Epic Review Part 3: No Shirt Sundays

In the last installment of Querido Epic Review, we saw an escalation of meta, the beach, filler scenes galore and pick up lines from the depths of Cocytus. This part looks to be the most epic yet. Will Mystica find true love? Will we get out of this movie unscathed? Lets find out...

Part 3 starts out with the Mystica Champs bothered by the newfound success of their new member Troy, not to mention the fact that he's obviously boning the boss. This scene is preceded by around 25 seconds of awkward waiting around.

After the last member arrives, it seems that the group is a bit jelly by the fact that the new guy is a bit arrogant after getting the pussy. In this movie, everyone wants Mystica for some esoteric reason. They make the conclusion that the only thing to make things right is not to talk to the guy and tell him he's getting out of hand, oh no. Instead, they agree to kick his ass. Oh yeah, ACTION SCENE!!!!!

But of course, we don't get an action scene... yet. Instead, they show up at Mystica's place where they are met with a half naked Troy.

DOES THIS GUY EVEN OWN A SHIRT?

Turns out he's showering with Mystica (no doubt another half hour water wastin' session set to Gangnam Style). It seems that common sense has taken over the Mystica Champs or whoever these guys are (they might be a different faction), and they just want to talk, because rumors are flying around that he's becoming a bit of a douche. Now, you'd expect Troy to at least put on a shirt, right? Nope.

JESUS CHRIST PUT ON A FUCKING SHIRT DAMMIT

He talks with these goons, still clad only with a towel, and they warn him to be careful because he seems to be getting over his head. One thing I noticed with this scene is the insane amount of cuts between actors. It's dizzying to see the scene cut from one person to another after EVERY SINGLE LINE, with no time to register even their facial expressions. Not that there's anything to register in the first place thanks in part to wooden acting that hasn't been seen since massive deforestation efforts in the 1970's.

A filler scene comes next where Mystica sings her rendition of 4 NON BLONDES' What's Up? (it's actually NOT called 'What's Going On?' I learned something new! How's that for a review of a groundbreakingly insane movie?) All's well and good until Troy Macho Dances around her AGAIN. It seems that Macho Dancing is this guy's superpower. Then, everything is ruined when this asshole shows up and "sings" with Mystica:

on the left: loser douchebag. on the right: visionary genius.

This man doesn't sing with Mystica, he makes stupid faces, and is as funny as a murder scene. He doesn't even try to harmonize, because he knows he can't keep up with the Split Queen. After we are rid of him, there's a short filler club scene and then we cut to one of Mystica's kids watching a Youtube "news" video:

Zimbabwe has a better newsdesk than this.

The man is talking about Mystica's "Sex Tape," which is also titled Querido. Is he talking about the movie we are watching right now? Is he talking about ANOTHER movie within a movie that is also called Querido? Has your mind already been blown to smithereens? Mine was. Somewhere in the spacetime continuum, a large temporal distortion is forming because of the events of this movie.

The news man warns viewers of the sexual content of that/this film and that children should not see it... seconds before going ahead and SHOWING THE ACTUAL SEX FOOTAGE. Imagine if this were TV Patrol and Noli De Castro warns us of a sex tape with Mahal and Jimboy, then just goes and shows the footage anyway, to millions of innocent children, just because.

Seriously, when have you ever seen someone saying that children should be "assisted" while watching actual fucking? Only with fucking pedophiles, that's where! You have actual sex on screen, you shove little Bobby and Jenny TO THEIR FUCKING ROOMS, NOT ASSIST THEM AS THEY WATCH LIVE SEX!

But the actual sex is edited, showing one 'pump' a cut. Also there's superimposed footage of Troy Macho Dancing in the background.Your mileage may vary if that's ultimately a good or a bad thing. I still probably won't show it to my kids... unless I'm an evil sadist who wants to scar them for life.

Like any decent human being, Mystica's kid is disturbed.

We then cut to Spicy Facebook still being disturbed too. It seems she's looking at Troy's Facebook (ha!) pics from the beach pictorial from part 2.She prudently prints out the pictures, goes to Troy and confronts him. She calls Mystica her "mommy" (all the talents from Mystica's stable call her that, imagine how disturbed we would be if we didn't know that) and calls him out for being an asshole (which is right.)

did I mention he STILL isn't wearing a shirt? For the love of God, someone donate shirts to this man.

Troy tells Spicy Facebook to her face that he's only using Mystica for her money, ostensibly as a sugar mommy, and that if he wants, he'll stop using her. This is understandable given the history in part 1 where he frankly tells people about how he uses sugar daddies to get ahead. One notable thing in this scene other than the distinct lack of shirts is that the toilet is DIRECTLY ADJACENT TO TROY'S BED.

I can only imagine how this smells like after a bad shit.

We then see one of Mystica's talents (?) or some other guy flirting with Mystica. Instead of being faithful to her boyfriend/boylet/sugar baby Troy, she seems to accept his advances. They go to the bed, she tells him to take off his shirt, she tells him to take off her shirt... then she resists him!?

Mystica tells the understandably confused person that she wants to be loved tenderly (implying that she still wants the D, but the method was wrong.) The dude calls her out, saying that she was the one who invited him here, calling her a 'worthless bitch.'

We've seen Mystica leave her foreigner husband, have an affair with another foreigner who is married, want to continue the relationship because "she told all the newspapers," then sleep with some random macho dancer she is managing, THEN tries to sleep with this random person and turns him down at the last minute, not because she doesn't want the D, but because she wants only a certain technique. There's a word for this kind of person... but I don't know what it is.

The next scene is between Mystica's other son, girl in black, Mystica's other other son who was watching that news report on the sex video, and... this irritated gay person.

"Why the fuck am I even here?"

Mystica's news watching son (I'll call him Blue from now on) and Mystica's son with a girlfriend (I'll call him Red) fight. From a moral standpoint, it's obvious that Blue is in the right: he's legitimately concerned about his mother, since the rumors are spreading about the sex tape and he doesn't want an image like that propagating about her. Red just says that he doesn't understand that their mother is whoring herself out because of them and that he should shut up because he's gay and has no girlfriend. So Blue punches Red and beats the shit out of him for being an asshole. Justified, right?

Well, in the weird world of Mystica, this is not so. Mystica stops the fight and SIDES WITH RED, SAYING THAT BLUE IS ADOPTED (!!!!!!) and that she picked him up from some random whorehouse (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) because she wanted to give the man she was HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH AT THE TIME (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) A SON.

I literally had to pause in the middle of watching this scene.

Blue then talks to that gay dude who owned the club where Troy once stayed and I think was his sugar daddy (for some reason.) He tries, using the twisted logic of this universe, to tell Blue that his mother was right and that he should try to understand her. The dude might have a point, but it's lost when it's obvious that he's reading from a script. Blue is clearly listening to this guy, but he suddenly tells him to listen...?

Blue's friends come from behind (apparently they were just sitting nearby) to offer their emotional support, which leads to Blue coming around and accepting that their mother releases random sex tapes and has affairs with scores of men because it's her job, dammit.

After that, Red comes in with his girlfriend... and lo and behold - she's preggers! Mystica gives some legitimate advice and tells Red to go get a job and leave the house. Red takes this advice and guess what? He becomes a Macho Dancer in Troy's old place! Troy introduces Red to gay dude and we are now treated to this masterpiece of screenwriting, (translated,) part 2:

gay dude: You're so young and you got a girl pregnant!

Red: I'm just going with current trends.

Yup. I'll just leave that there.

just a reminder that he's still topless.

On to the next scene. Troy, still only in his boxers, is flirting with Mystica as she makes food. Troy has been either topless or naked for about 90 percent of the past hour, so why stop now? Suddenly Spicy Facebook appears and calls him out for using Mystica for her money and connections!! Spicy Facebook runs away, with near naked Troy and Mystica in pursuit:

yup, still topless. This is more exploitative than a bad gay film.

Spicy runs out to the street where she runs into a car!!! No, a car doesn't run into her. A car stops, then she kinda runs into it.

Note that the car is almost at rest.

Mystica and Troy come to the aid of Spicy Facebook, but it is too late: the tangy social media named starlet is bloody. Troy and co. take Spicy Facebook into the car and drive off, implying that the car that hit her belonged to Mystica all along...

I bet he's going to step out and get some clothes once he puts Spicy Facebook in-

...nnnnnnnnnnnope

Of course, we should be able to know what happened to Spicy Facebook afterwards, right? Nope. Instead we get... AN ACTION SCENE!!!

After a psychedelic jump cut we see Troy (thankfully now in clothes) getting the shit beat out of him by Vince Bopis (heh) and the Mystica Champs. While we see him bruised and bloody on the ground, we see Mystica in some park reminiscing her relationship with Troy (set of course, to sex scenes in a blue tint with superimposed Macho Dancing.) and then... ANOTHER ACTION SCENE!

Like a crazed hyperactive Tazmanian devil Mystica dispatches her attackers with ease. The fight choreography looks like it was done by a bunch of 12 year olds during a boring birthday party. There are no pictures to do this justice, so I'm leaving a video after the text.

Watch the fuck out, Yuen Wo-ping. There's a new girl in town and her name's Mystica.

If you watched the video below, then you know what happens next: Troy jumps in and beats up the dudes (and girl) attacking Mystica. Then, inexplicably, MYSTICA ATTACKS TROY WITH A FLURRY OF PUNCHES! What next, Mystica Night Shymalan!?

Troy tackles his lover and they roll over the grass while the attackers stand up and... applaud them. WHAT THE FLYING FUCK!? Now comes the biggest twist of the entire action packed hour: These guys are in cahoots with Mystica, and they did this together so that Troy would save her and Mystica would... tell him off. Yep.

A defeated Troy walks away, obviously confused at the bipolar antics of this person.The people who attacked Mystica (The Mystic Groovers,) try to comfort their diva and tell her there are many other fish in the sea. Mystica then tells them that she is still in love with Troy.... THEN WHY THE HELL DID YOU TELL HIM TO GO AWAY?

And the third part of Querido ends with a rendition of "Ang Gusto Kong Lalake."

Parts 1 and 2 were crazy in their own right, but this latest part completely transcends all of my expectations. In the universe of this film the laws of nature are topsy turvy. Perhaps, only a madman or a future robot from 2984 can understand it completely. To sum up my thoughts about this film, I call my venerable viewing partner:

"na-buang ka na Mystica." - anonymous

In the next episode of Querido Epic Review: More Fighting! More DRAMA! More delicious twists! More nonsense! More... SPICY FACEBOOK!?