Querido Epic Review Part 5: Con Los Terroristas

In the last episode of our Querido Epic Review, the drama escalated up to eleven and the violence was kicking up a notch. Now it all comes to a head in this part, which I consider the climax of the entire film.

Still depressed after her talk at the end of Part 4, Mystica takes a fuckton of pills and downs them in one go.

these aren't Flintstones' Chewable Vitamins, that's for sure.

She lies down in her bed and quite obviously dreams that Troy is having sex with her. If you take this scene to mean that she is really dying and this is her dying dream, then this is a tragic event, and in a normal dramatic movie it makes the whole thing poignant in a way. But of course, this is Querido, not some normal dramatic movie.

Troy and Mystica proceed to do the horizontal mambo and are interrupted by none other than reporter guy... at gunpoint! While Mystica is horrified, Troy, not realizing the situation he is in, keeps on pumping his girlfriend. He FINALLY gets Troy's attention by smacking him in the head with the butt of the pistol (which he will do, repeatedly, as this scene goes on.)

*boop*

Troy is dragged off by the Mystic Champs and watches as news reporter guy tries to rape Mystica. He doesn't seem to be really into it as he doesn't kiss Mystica as you would expect a rapist to rape someone, he just kinda pecks Mystica lightly on the cheek and arm as he threatens her.

He does get more willing participants as the bald/shaven member of the Mystic Champs (alas his name is not Vince Bopis, he's Neil Nilaga) decides to do the rapey deed while news reporter guy talks if Mystica likes incest (remember that all of Mystica's talents call her mommy).

The rape scene goes on for like ten minutes and it's meant to be uncomfortable. At the end, news reporter guy decides that enough is enough and shoots Troy in the head!

VIOLENT END.

But of course this is just a dream and Mystica wakes up screaming, the numerous sleeping pills she ingested probably absorbed by her Mystic healing powers. She has a second chance.

Mystica then talks to her talents and tells them that she might have to let them go because of what happened with her foreign employer. They are in trouble for sure. The scene kinda segways into a moment where they're practicing acting again and are making scenes for the film.

After this Mystica meets with Neil Nilaga, the dude who raped her in her dream. She tells him that Troy was using her and that she's hung up on him about it. Neil tells her good advice: that she should move on and focus on herself and her family from now on. Relationships aren't just sex; they're when people love each other and share and do all of that hokey stuff. Mystica agrees, and decides that the whole affair was just a fluke and that she should focus on what is important.

Neil then takes Mystica out on a date and they go out ballroom dancing. From their dance moves they are in all fairness, good ballroom dancers:

So... this is the end? It's all over?

But then we go to a twist: we see that the whole ballroom scene is something that Mystica is watching on Youtube. She turns around to Patrick Bernard, her EMPLOYER (!!!) and tells him that she still loves Troy and loves the job, why can't she have both? Bernard, tired of her antics, says that she's made her point and just gives her this look that oozes "Oh, you..."

"oh you crazy bitch you..."

And the scene ends. This is a perfect ending to the movie, to be honest, but it leaves so many questions. So that movie that ends with the ballroom scene actually Querido? So what the hell is this movie that we are watching right now? When did this take place in the movie's chronology? Why is Patrick Bernard still here as he's supposed to be in the States with his wife?

Are we watching the end of the movie that shows scenes about the making of the movie while the movie of that movie is still going on? Have any of your heads exploded by now?

But there's around 50 minutes left to see. What could these 50 minutes possibly be about?

For starters, there's a performance by the Mystic Champs to "Jumbo Hotdog" and clips where Mystica gives out her own awards to her own people, which sounds like the biggest circlejerk in existence. But most of the remaining running time is occupied by an episode of a GMA 7 show about Mystica. Here she talks about several things that explain some of the questions we have about the earlier parts of this movie:

1) she's a part of a global company whose aim is reforestation, which explains the meetings she had with those foreign dudes about buying trees. Truly an environmentalist.

2) she has had three failed marriages abroad

3) she's managing a stable of talents who call her mommy

Why didn't they show this beforehand? I guess because it should have been common knowledge. The scene is actually  a perfect epilogue to the film we just saw, seeing everyone happy and doing well. It's also evident that this was recorded by placing a camera to the TV, because it's so avant garde to record a clip of a show instead of splicing it in from somewhere else. How do we know this is recorded from a TV?

Exhibit 1:

I guess the volume wasn't loud enough.

and Exhibit 2:

so this was recorded on two different TVs or was the hue out of whack?

There's also an unhealthy amount of Harlem Shake videos, done wherever she could do one. One in her house, two in Baywalk, in a school garden and in a gym. Also, in one of these Harlem Shake videos, Kid Lopez/Troy is wearing this weird green lizard/blonde wig combo:

It's the best he's looked in this entire film. And to his credit, he's wearing clothes.

The rest of the movie is nondescript except for this last part where the Mystic Champs and (gasp) REPORTER DUDE are hanging out. I guess they've made amends? The Champs want to go out or rest, and reporter dude suggest the spa everyone's been going to since the beginning of the movie. It's basically a product placement scene. And by the end we get the reminder that this little commercial was:

as if we didn't know already.

And that ends Part 5. To be honest I believe the movie really ended with that last scene with Patrick Bernard and the rest of the run time is fluff. Part six is more of the same environmentalist preaching, so there's almost nothing new about that part. The Epic Review of our little movie truly ends here.

With a bit of editing, this seven hour abomination could have been trimmed into something more sane, something more manageable. But it is the undiluted weirdness that makes this movie shine. The one thing that saves this movie in the eyes of an avid movie watcher like myself is how wonderfully bizarre it is. For the most part, the movie caught my attention. I now know more about Mystica than I did before I started watching. I now know the names of the Mystic Champs and many of Mystica's talents. I can tell the difference between Rex Adobo and Vince Bopis (and I still can't get over that name.) So, to my abject horror (or delight?) this movie has done its job.

May God have mercy on us all.

There's something I have to tell you about before we get into the final part of this review... there's ANOTHER CUT of this film and it's almost EIGHT hours long. Although most of the parts are the same, the ending is not. So I'll be talking about the relatively sparse last part of this film, and the last part of that cut, as we go into the last stretch!

In the last part of our Querido Epic Review... an Ang Dating Daan homage!? alternate cuts! the TRUE meaning of Querido!!! four weddings and a funeral (not really)! and... Jesus!?

Querido Epic Review Part 4: Mystica Take the Wheel

In the last episode of our Querido Epic Review, we saw the movie reach levels of action and drama so intense that it burned the sun. Yes, a G2V type star was burned by the intensity of this movie. What lies in store for our cast of characters? What happened to Spicy Facebook? And how will this work of pure genius end???

Part 4 kicks off running as Mystica confronts one of her lackeys. It seems that the distribution of the sex tape was not Mystica's fault and he was the one that introduced her to the reporter dude (aka the dude that was also flirting with Mystica in an earlier part to get her sex video information from her computer, a dude she rebuffed for not being gentlemanly enough.)

She confronts her aforementioned lackey, her photographer, her videographer and her driver, who seems mildly amused by the fact that he's acting in Mystica's epic film:

hi mom, I'm in a movie hehehe

Now she tells that that she trusted all of them with the sex tape, and that it can only have come from one of them. Now I can imagine that Mystica would trust her photographer and her videographer with this information. since they were the ones who probably shot the whole thing. Maybe I can even believe her confiding in her talent about the shoot. But her DRIVER!? Why would anyone in their right mind give out information regarding their secret sex tape to their driver!?

Of course, all of them deny ever distributing the tape, but Mystica's detective skills see through this and she tells them that she's been seeing these guys together and they're up to no good. Videographer guy tells Mystica that it couldn't have been him since his computer is secure. I'm betting he's not yet aware of hackers and password cracking or any of that advanced mumbo jumbo.

Lackey then confronts videographer dude and they get into a tizzy, with this weird awkward cutaway to the driver doing something with his hands:

it's a cut made for no reason whatsoever.

and naturally this devolves into a fistfight, right in front of Mystica.

"Stop doing that thing with your hands!"

We'd expect that this scene would show them making up, or being escorted out by Mystica's other talents, but that's not to be. Instead, it cuts to Mystica's other talents eating... then meeting these four on the street. Being the protective talents that they are, they accost Mystica's videographer, photographer, talent and driver, at gunpoint (!!!!!) and steal the CD containing the sex tape.

no calling the police or anything, either. Just straight up ass kicking.

Three of the four go back to news reporter guy, proving Mystica right that they really WERE in on distributing the sex tape. Bruised and bloodied, they could have filed a report with the police or something, but again that's not the case. News reporter guy berates them for not getting the CD with the sex tape details, as it's set to be shown in a few days and it's his ass on the line if he doesn't show anything. He swears that he'll drag these poor guys down with him to hell if that video doesn't get shown.

We now cut to Red, Mystica's biological son who, in the last part, knocked up his girlfriend. He's now working at a gas station and the adjacent Burger Machine (!) and earning some cash for his family.

I'm honestly surprised these are still around.

One of the customers asks him why he's working here as he's handsome and can get a career as a someone else. One of the other customers seems to recognize him and he denies it. He goes to ANOTHER job serving customers in a small restaurant and it's evident that this guy REALLY took Mystica's advice to heart. He comes home, understandably tired, and he gets into a fight with his girlfriend, who accuses him of playing around since he came so late. You know since there isn't anything like texting or calling in this universe.

She asks him if they could ask Mystica for financial assistance,  but Red is too proud to do that. He then accuses her of not being careful enough with the sex, which is what lead to the pregnancy. I've been sympathizing with the guy ever since I saw him working at Burger Machine, but here he's just an asshole.

The scene then cuts to Troy consulting with his former confidant/bar manager person/whatever for advice. it seems that this guy is the go to person for advice in this movie. A little research shows that he's Donne Tan, who codirected this movie. Troy's confused that Mystica went through a whole fight scene just to reject him for using her. He gives Troy advice and assures him that he will support him.

The scene returns to Red and his girlfriend, or rather lack of girlfriend, as she's nowhere to be found. He finds their child in the care of a neighbor (!) who heard the kid crying. No, she didn't leave him in the neighbor's care, Red's girlfriend left the kid in an unlocked house to fend for himself; the neighbor came along and was concerned.

Any sane person would call the DSWD or something, and Red is really pissed off. Red's girlfriend comes back from a gay bar (in the middle of the day!?) and they get into a fight because she's a bitch that wouldn't take care of their cute kid. Before doing so, however, Red leaves the care of the baby to one of Mystica's talents (who just happens to be the irritated gay person from part 3.)

his name is Michael (!) and he likes backless clothes.

They get into a round of slapping each other and this time Red has a point. Also by the time he slaps her for the third time (done with successive cuts no less) his girlfriend is bleeding from the mouth (!!) the argument ends with him pushing her off and sending her crying, in the worst scene of running off and crying I have seen in the past 15 years. Red then goes into a frenzy, almost stumbling over in the attempt:

I HATE THIS SACK -WHOA-

It also doesn't help that he holds his foot and cries out in pain afterwards.

owowowowowow

The next scene sees Red being accosted by a couple of his old friends who want to invite him to a round of boozing. Red, being the changed man that he is, doesn't want to go along, but his friends insist. Of course, this must only end in violence as Mystica's talents beat these two up just like they did those three dudes earlier.

to be fair, violence does solve a lot of problems.

Cut to a meta scene where Blue (Mystica's adopted son) is practicing acting for something, followed by a dance scene by one of Mystica's groups (the Mystic Groovers?) and now moves to a news clip of one of the most bizarre scenes in the entire seven hour film. 

The clip from a channel 7 news report claims that Mystica healed her (long estranged) husband, suffering from cancer, using only her God-given powers.

uh.... huh....

The film reenacts what happened as Mystica uses her hand to heal him, despite not having much knowledge of anatomy. She asks one point where his lungs are so she can hover her healing hand over them and fill it with healing power. Enervated by this realization that she can HEAL THE SICK, Mystica used her healing powers on other people, like her secretary, and her brother.

Her hypertensive brother complains of having a weird sensation on his scalp while combing his hair, and immediately connects it to a symptom of hypertension. I'm sure this miraculous connection of scalp pain ---> high blood pressure is something only a genius like Dr. House can achieve. As a doctor by profession, I find it a bit, well...

I'm sure Ylvis would ask "what would the duck say?" By now.

His scalp is touched by Mystica and the bad feeling goes away (not sure if he's still hypertensive as he didn't have his blood pressure taken again afterwards.) Why isn't medical science researching this right now!? It's a miracle!!!

After another rant by our heroine during a show with Ali Sotto, a stranger comes into Mystica's house bringing a baby. It turns out that it's Red's kid (!) but it's not the kid that we've been seeing since the start of this hour, it's ANOTHER KID from another woman, who happens to be one of Mystica's former talents!

Mystica hears this woman's story, and rather than showing any hint of skepticism towards the woman and this baby who comes out of nowhere, she accepts the child into her household and hires the woman who brought the baby, who she does not know personally at all, to be the child's nanny. I'm surprised no one has broken into their home or anything by now.

We then cut to Troy singing some videoke song, and some guy trying to sing with him. This guy makes Troy sound like Luciano Pavarotti to be honest, but at least he's not like that asshole from Part 2.

also, Troy has been wearing a shirt for this entire hour. That's progress.

Finally, we get to another dramatic scene. It's... Spicy Facebook!?

so... did Mystica heal her from that pedestrian accident!?

Alas, it's not Spicy Facebook, it's one of Mystica's other talents, namely the mother of the kid that came to Mystica's doorstep minutes earlier. Spicy Facebook doesn't appear anywhere else in a dramatic scene for this film, which means we won't be saying Spicy Facebook's name anymore. That's a sad thing.

This new person (Rosalinda De Amor) wants her kid back, but Mystica's playing hardball. It appears that this person was in Japan trying to raise some moolah for her kid, but somehow the kid found its way to Mystica without her knowing. After some twisted logic they reach an amicable settlement and the kid remains at Mystica's house.

After this is a dream sequence where Troy (now shirtless again) ambushes Mystica in the bathroom, dressed in his getup from the opening credits of the movie. The hue changes sporadically and we see that without makeup, Mystica is a sight to behold. And by 'sight to behold' I mean when you behold the number of wrinkles in your genital wart.

a picture for all our readers using mobile. Note distinct lack of shirt.

 Here's the scene in its entirety for those masochists out there:

Now it's evident from this scene that Mystica is still in love with Troy, and that's going to come into play later. I think.

Mystica then wraps up the hanging storyline with Red and the multiple children popping out of nowhere, coming out of the woodwork and getting into her home: She talks to Red's girlfriend and agrees to support their kid, and she also agrees to support Red's other kid. Red also makes amends with Blue about their fight earlier in Part 3, and Blue wants to introduce his new girlfriend to Red. Case Closed.

The last dramatic scene of the movie occurs with Mystica talking with a friend. It appears that Mystica's foreign boss (unclear if this is Patrick Bernard, but it probably is) has unfriended her on Facebook. ON BOTH HER ACCOUNTS!!! horrors beyond horror. It stems from the fact that she still wants to be involved in showbusiness, and he wants none of that. He also wants to stop Mystica from making this movie (that we are seeing right now - so meta!!) or he'll fire her by December. The financial support from abroad has dried up as well.

She makes the point that he shouldn't judge her by her movie if he hasn't seen it yet - that it's not all about sex scenes. In a way, I take it as her speaking to the audience as well. Don't hate something if you haven't tried it. I'm going to be honest here and say I was entertained by this movie. (Probably not in the way it was meant to entertain, but still entertaining.) Mystica is hella depressed by the end of this conversation.

And with this very meta self reflecting moment, Part 4 ends.

On the penultimate installment of Querido Epic Review... It rhymes with grape and is a bad bad thing! Too much Harlem Shake for my taste!! and... a show within a show!?

Querido Epic Review Part 3: No Shirt Sundays

In the last installment of Querido Epic Review, we saw an escalation of meta, the beach, filler scenes galore and pick up lines from the depths of Cocytus. This part looks to be the most epic yet. Will Mystica find true love? Will we get out of this movie unscathed? Lets find out...

Part 3 starts out with the Mystica Champs bothered by the newfound success of their new member Troy, not to mention the fact that he's obviously boning the boss. This scene is preceded by around 25 seconds of awkward waiting around.

After the last member arrives, it seems that the group is a bit jelly by the fact that the new guy is a bit arrogant after getting the pussy. In this movie, everyone wants Mystica for some esoteric reason. They make the conclusion that the only thing to make things right is not to talk to the guy and tell him he's getting out of hand, oh no. Instead, they agree to kick his ass. Oh yeah, ACTION SCENE!!!!!

But of course, we don't get an action scene... yet. Instead, they show up at Mystica's place where they are met with a half naked Troy.

DOES THIS GUY EVEN OWN A SHIRT?

Turns out he's showering with Mystica (no doubt another half hour water wastin' session set to Gangnam Style). It seems that common sense has taken over the Mystica Champs or whoever these guys are (they might be a different faction), and they just want to talk, because rumors are flying around that he's becoming a bit of a douche. Now, you'd expect Troy to at least put on a shirt, right? Nope.

JESUS CHRIST PUT ON A FUCKING SHIRT DAMMIT

He talks with these goons, still clad only with a towel, and they warn him to be careful because he seems to be getting over his head. One thing I noticed with this scene is the insane amount of cuts between actors. It's dizzying to see the scene cut from one person to another after EVERY SINGLE LINE, with no time to register even their facial expressions. Not that there's anything to register in the first place thanks in part to wooden acting that hasn't been seen since massive deforestation efforts in the 1970's.

A filler scene comes next where Mystica sings her rendition of 4 NON BLONDES' What's Up? (it's actually NOT called 'What's Going On?' I learned something new! How's that for a review of a groundbreakingly insane movie?) All's well and good until Troy Macho Dances around her AGAIN. It seems that Macho Dancing is this guy's superpower. Then, everything is ruined when this asshole shows up and "sings" with Mystica:

on the left: loser douchebag. on the right: visionary genius.

This man doesn't sing with Mystica, he makes stupid faces, and is as funny as a murder scene. He doesn't even try to harmonize, because he knows he can't keep up with the Split Queen. After we are rid of him, there's a short filler club scene and then we cut to one of Mystica's kids watching a Youtube "news" video:

Zimbabwe has a better newsdesk than this.

The man is talking about Mystica's "Sex Tape," which is also titled Querido. Is he talking about the movie we are watching right now? Is he talking about ANOTHER movie within a movie that is also called Querido? Has your mind already been blown to smithereens? Mine was. Somewhere in the spacetime continuum, a large temporal distortion is forming because of the events of this movie.

The news man warns viewers of the sexual content of that/this film and that children should not see it... seconds before going ahead and SHOWING THE ACTUAL SEX FOOTAGE. Imagine if this were TV Patrol and Noli De Castro warns us of a sex tape with Mahal and Jimboy, then just goes and shows the footage anyway, to millions of innocent children, just because.

Seriously, when have you ever seen someone saying that children should be "assisted" while watching actual fucking? Only with fucking pedophiles, that's where! You have actual sex on screen, you shove little Bobby and Jenny TO THEIR FUCKING ROOMS, NOT ASSIST THEM AS THEY WATCH LIVE SEX!

But the actual sex is edited, showing one 'pump' a cut. Also there's superimposed footage of Troy Macho Dancing in the background.Your mileage may vary if that's ultimately a good or a bad thing. I still probably won't show it to my kids... unless I'm an evil sadist who wants to scar them for life.

Like any decent human being, Mystica's kid is disturbed.

We then cut to Spicy Facebook still being disturbed too. It seems she's looking at Troy's Facebook (ha!) pics from the beach pictorial from part 2.She prudently prints out the pictures, goes to Troy and confronts him. She calls Mystica her "mommy" (all the talents from Mystica's stable call her that, imagine how disturbed we would be if we didn't know that) and calls him out for being an asshole (which is right.)

did I mention he STILL isn't wearing a shirt? For the love of God, someone donate shirts to this man.

Troy tells Spicy Facebook to her face that he's only using Mystica for her money, ostensibly as a sugar mommy, and that if he wants, he'll stop using her. This is understandable given the history in part 1 where he frankly tells people about how he uses sugar daddies to get ahead. One notable thing in this scene other than the distinct lack of shirts is that the toilet is DIRECTLY ADJACENT TO TROY'S BED.

I can only imagine how this smells like after a bad shit.

We then see one of Mystica's talents (?) or some other guy flirting with Mystica. Instead of being faithful to her boyfriend/boylet/sugar baby Troy, she seems to accept his advances. They go to the bed, she tells him to take off his shirt, she tells him to take off her shirt... then she resists him!?

Mystica tells the understandably confused person that she wants to be loved tenderly (implying that she still wants the D, but the method was wrong.) The dude calls her out, saying that she was the one who invited him here, calling her a 'worthless bitch.'

We've seen Mystica leave her foreigner husband, have an affair with another foreigner who is married, want to continue the relationship because "she told all the newspapers," then sleep with some random macho dancer she is managing, THEN tries to sleep with this random person and turns him down at the last minute, not because she doesn't want the D, but because she wants only a certain technique. There's a word for this kind of person... but I don't know what it is.

The next scene is between Mystica's other son, girl in black, Mystica's other other son who was watching that news report on the sex video, and... this irritated gay person.

"Why the fuck am I even here?"

Mystica's news watching son (I'll call him Blue from now on) and Mystica's son with a girlfriend (I'll call him Red) fight. From a moral standpoint, it's obvious that Blue is in the right: he's legitimately concerned about his mother, since the rumors are spreading about the sex tape and he doesn't want an image like that propagating about her. Red just says that he doesn't understand that their mother is whoring herself out because of them and that he should shut up because he's gay and has no girlfriend. So Blue punches Red and beats the shit out of him for being an asshole. Justified, right?

Well, in the weird world of Mystica, this is not so. Mystica stops the fight and SIDES WITH RED, SAYING THAT BLUE IS ADOPTED (!!!!!!) and that she picked him up from some random whorehouse (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) because she wanted to give the man she was HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH AT THE TIME (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) A SON.

I literally had to pause in the middle of watching this scene.

Blue then talks to that gay dude who owned the club where Troy once stayed and I think was his sugar daddy (for some reason.) He tries, using the twisted logic of this universe, to tell Blue that his mother was right and that he should try to understand her. The dude might have a point, but it's lost when it's obvious that he's reading from a script. Blue is clearly listening to this guy, but he suddenly tells him to listen...?

Blue's friends come from behind (apparently they were just sitting nearby) to offer their emotional support, which leads to Blue coming around and accepting that their mother releases random sex tapes and has affairs with scores of men because it's her job, dammit.

After that, Red comes in with his girlfriend... and lo and behold - she's preggers! Mystica gives some legitimate advice and tells Red to go get a job and leave the house. Red takes this advice and guess what? He becomes a Macho Dancer in Troy's old place! Troy introduces Red to gay dude and we are now treated to this masterpiece of screenwriting, (translated,) part 2:

gay dude: You're so young and you got a girl pregnant!

Red: I'm just going with current trends.

Yup. I'll just leave that there.

just a reminder that he's still topless.

On to the next scene. Troy, still only in his boxers, is flirting with Mystica as she makes food. Troy has been either topless or naked for about 90 percent of the past hour, so why stop now? Suddenly Spicy Facebook appears and calls him out for using Mystica for her money and connections!! Spicy Facebook runs away, with near naked Troy and Mystica in pursuit:

yup, still topless. This is more exploitative than a bad gay film.

Spicy runs out to the street where she runs into a car!!! No, a car doesn't run into her. A car stops, then she kinda runs into it.

Note that the car is almost at rest.

Mystica and Troy come to the aid of Spicy Facebook, but it is too late: the tangy social media named starlet is bloody. Troy and co. take Spicy Facebook into the car and drive off, implying that the car that hit her belonged to Mystica all along...

I bet he's going to step out and get some clothes once he puts Spicy Facebook in-

...nnnnnnnnnnnope

Of course, we should be able to know what happened to Spicy Facebook afterwards, right? Nope. Instead we get... AN ACTION SCENE!!!

After a psychedelic jump cut we see Troy (thankfully now in clothes) getting the shit beat out of him by Vince Bopis (heh) and the Mystica Champs. While we see him bruised and bloody on the ground, we see Mystica in some park reminiscing her relationship with Troy (set of course, to sex scenes in a blue tint with superimposed Macho Dancing.) and then... ANOTHER ACTION SCENE!

Like a crazed hyperactive Tazmanian devil Mystica dispatches her attackers with ease. The fight choreography looks like it was done by a bunch of 12 year olds during a boring birthday party. There are no pictures to do this justice, so I'm leaving a video after the text.

Watch the fuck out, Yuen Wo-ping. There's a new girl in town and her name's Mystica.

If you watched the video below, then you know what happens next: Troy jumps in and beats up the dudes (and girl) attacking Mystica. Then, inexplicably, MYSTICA ATTACKS TROY WITH A FLURRY OF PUNCHES! What next, Mystica Night Shymalan!?

Troy tackles his lover and they roll over the grass while the attackers stand up and... applaud them. WHAT THE FLYING FUCK!? Now comes the biggest twist of the entire action packed hour: These guys are in cahoots with Mystica, and they did this together so that Troy would save her and Mystica would... tell him off. Yep.

A defeated Troy walks away, obviously confused at the bipolar antics of this person.The people who attacked Mystica (The Mystic Groovers,) try to comfort their diva and tell her there are many other fish in the sea. Mystica then tells them that she is still in love with Troy.... THEN WHY THE HELL DID YOU TELL HIM TO GO AWAY?

And the third part of Querido ends with a rendition of "Ang Gusto Kong Lalake."

Parts 1 and 2 were crazy in their own right, but this latest part completely transcends all of my expectations. In the universe of this film the laws of nature are topsy turvy. Perhaps, only a madman or a future robot from 2984 can understand it completely. To sum up my thoughts about this film, I call my venerable viewing partner:

"na-buang ka na Mystica." - anonymous

In the next episode of Querido Epic Review: More Fighting! More DRAMA! More delicious twists! More nonsense! More... SPICY FACEBOOK!?

A Tale of Three Cities Part 3: New York, I Love You

After a few years of procrastination, I finally get to write this one. Hehe.

The Cities of Love concept films franchise continue with New York, I Love You, a collection of ten short films (eleven if you count the in between scenes) based on the titular city, helmed by a slew of both established and up and coming directors.

The first segment is short but charming. It stars an almost unrecognizable Hayden Christensen (and given Star Wars Episode III, that's a good thing!) as a charming ne'er do well who gets infatuated with a lady who has dropped her phone. But fate (and Andy Garcia) steps in the way. The film is driven by character development and conversation and is a nice way to engage the viewer for the rest of the film, but is a bit lacking in some parts. I was pleasantly surprised to see Jiang Wen as the director of this film. Wen directed the Chinese independent film Green Tea, which is one of my all time favorite films.

The second segment is actually my second favorite of the bunch. It stars Natalie Portman and Irfan Khan as a Jewish Woman getting married and a jeweler wanting to sell his gems for a good price. Despite the difference in religions and cultures, the two achieve a unique level of understanding that can only happen in a cultural potpourri like New York.

I was really excited about the third segment, since Shunji Iwai, one of my most favorite Japanese Directors, is at the helm. Much like his previous films it's about the sense of disconnect between people and how it can either bring them together or tear them apart. Orlando Bloom and the voice of Christina Ricci star. In the end everything falls neatly into place, and there's a bit of that feel you only see in some Japanese films by the time it ends.

The fourth segment has Ethan Hawke and Maggie Q get into a conversation that increasingly gets uncomfortable... but for who? It's plain and simple but it gets its message across. Plus the main players get to show their acting chops.

The fifth segment is directed by Brett Ratner (oh no) who manages to make something like a generic Hollywood teen comedy short film. It's entertaining in that aspect, but compared to the other segments, something is left wanting.

The sixth segment is interesting, as it chronicles a rendezvous between two people after a bout of really good one off sex. It unravels the circumstances of their relationship layer by layer until the whole picture presents itself. It's a bit exotic and not exactly my taste, but it's really good.

The seventh segment is opaque to analysis. There's something about a retired opera diva, a butler/bellboy with a disability (played by Shia LaBeouf, no less) and weird stuff happens. It's more liable to be experienced than anything else.

Natalie Portman marks her directorial debut with this short. It's a touching look into the relationship between a Latino father and his daughter who looks Caucasian enough that you can't see the relationship right away. But what is more striking about the short is how, despite being beside the person you love, you couldn't be more far apart.

The ninth segment has Shu Qi acting as the unwilling muse for a painter. She is offered to become a willing muse by the painter himself, but she says no... at first. She eventually gets around to deciding in favor of it, but as we say sometimes, c'est la vie. I really like the guy who played the painter.

The tenth segment is similar to the fourth one, but it's about relationships and the prospect of second chances (or is it first chances?) The film ends as ambiguously as it starts, with a healthy dose of Radiohead for good measure. It's one of my more favorite shorts in the entire bunch.

And, giving the phrase "save the best for last" some added punch, the last segment is the best of the bunch, in my humble opinion. Veteran actors Eli Wallach and Cloris Leachman show us how its done as they portray a sweet old couple on the way to some place. As they shamble and bicker all the way there, they share a short tender moment that brought tears to my eyes. It caps the movie perfectly.

And that ends the Cities of Love series for now. This year sees the release of anthology films based on the cities of Rio, Tblisi and even Jerusalem. Hopefully it won't take me a few more years to churn out those posts... hehe.

Querido Epic Review Part 2: There's always room for a beach scene

In the last episode of our Epic Review of Querido, Mystica has managed to create a complex epic tale of environmentalism (tm), Macho Dancing, adultery galore, and people named after meals. In the second hour of this epic we explore the beach, karaoke, more random shit and of course, more Macho Dancing.

Part 2 starts with Spicy Facebook and her friend buying stuff at a sari-sari store. Why they would buy their shit there is really not important, as it's done to set up the plot. It turns out that Troy is also making a purchase at the store, and the two meet. What really made me look at this scene was Spicy's friend, who is probably the best actress this film ever had. She looks at Troy with such longing, such emotion that I wonder if it was deliberate or not:

Spicy is the one with the floral pattern dress.

 SOMEONE GIVE THE GIRL IN BLACK A FAMAS AWARD. NOW.

We cut to a later scene where Troy meets up with Spicy, and girl in black meets up with Mystica's real son. They not only meet, but do so in dramatic fashion:

whoa, watch that skirt, Troy.

I don't have to tell you that this scene is set to dramatic music. The driver witnesses the two, then sees Mystica's son and girl in black also together. The next scene is really weird. Mystica rants about being in love for a few minutes. What better scene to follow it up with than A SCENE OF MYSTICA AND TROY IN THE SHOWER DANCING TO GANGNAM STYLE IN FAST FORWARD?

This scene is almost two minutes long and is sped up like five times. That probably makes that a ten minute long shower. I wonder how much water was used?

"I'm an environmentalist." - Mystica

After another fluff scene with Troy, Spicy, Mystica's son and girl in black, we move on to two of Mystica's talents... hitting on Mystica? Also, Mystica seems to have discovered how to add hue changes to the film in Windows Movie Maker, as much of the scene is tinted in yellow:

at least it wasn't changing hues fast like in the shower scene...

Troy talks to Spicy about some shit, with Spicy oblivious that Troy is cavorting with his manager. After that, it's a fluff documentary scene where it's someone's birthday and everyone is eating happily. Mystica then goes to promote her spa, gives her costar an award (that she made?) and promotes that clinic that did the nose job on Troy. THEN, one of the best scenes of the hour ensue. The Mystica Champs (those gentlemen named after foods) bounce one-liners off each other. Who can forget lines like:

1: Dictionary ka ba?
2: Bakit?
1: Kasi sayo ko lang nahanap ang meaning ko.

or

1: Wala akong maisip na pickup line eh.
2: Bakit?
1: Kasi puro ikaw na lang ang laman ng isip ko eh.

BOOM VANNESS.

The Mystica Champs then practice their routine (shirtless of course.) It's obvious that Troy has the best body of all of them. The bald guy in the back looks like he was picked out of some random drinking circle, the rest look like construction workers.

I'm betting the bald one is Vince Bopis.

After another fluff scene with the Mystica Champs in some kind of show, we see Spicy Facebook and gay dude with glasses promoting... this film we are watching right now. My mind at this point is blown. This film does not only break the fourth wall, it-

"...breaks the fourth dimension of space and time." - my viewing partner

Spicy is asked what place in the Philippines is representative of Mystica's stance on the environment. She answers Puerto Galera and that gives the film an excuse to have... A BEACH SCENE!!!

It's more like they're at the beach for the rest of this hour rather than just an individual scene. Because, why the hell not? We almost get a scene of Mystica vomiting from seasickness, but in a rare example of mercy, this film does not show it.

Most of the next 15 minutes is full of fluff montages and scenes of Mystica lying in bed from exhaustion or seasickness. The one entertaining spot of this stretch is the flamboyant person who introduces us to Mystica's room, and interviews the couple...?

the guy on the right is the most exciting part of this section of the film.

It appears that Mystica has a little show in Puerto Galera. Here follows one of the most bizarrely meta sections of the film: she first explains to the crowd that she's making the film, introduces the actor and says he's not really a macho dancer, then acts out a scene where she sings Total Eclipse of the Heart, while Troy Macho Dances around her.

Here's where you'd ask me if this film I'm reviewing is the actual film or the making of the film. I'd answer both. This film, with its fourth dimension breaking properties, has a scene in the film about the making of the film we are watching right now. Xzibit would be proud.

What follows are even more fluff scenes where Troy is having a photoshoot with Mystica, an inexplicable dream sequence where Troy (STILL WITHOUT CLOTHES) acts gay with two other guys:

I'm assuming this is some sort of dream sequence.

And a scene where he macho dances to Michael Jackson:

this scene... defies explanation.

More fluff scenes ensue with the couple going on a talk show, going to SM Mall of Asia, riding in a merry-go-round (and dry humping the horses there), riding around in bumper cars and so on. This goes on for like 15-20 minutes.

We then see Mystica and Foreign Dude arguing about Troy showing up on her Youtube and Facebook. She still wants to be in showbiz, while Foreign Dude doesn't want any of it. In her own words:

"I'm still well known for the Mystica." - Mystica.

and

"It's all about the humanitarian." Mystica

She also tells him that Troy's not just some boy toy from the street she picked up, she really likes the dude despite the age gap. She also wants to make her movie (which we are STILL watching RIGHT NOW) the way she wants to. This ends part 2.

So what about this part? With all the montages and fluff, it's actually one of the slower hours of the entire movie, but the whole meta part is amazing if you think about it.

On the next episode of Querido Epic Review... Confrontation! Shymalan Twists! and... An Action Scene!?

My Dear Enemy

I haven't seen much of Lee Yoon-ki since This Charming Girl, and I've been wanting to see more of his films. Lately I've been able to see his fourth feature film, My Dear Enemy. In this film we see the earmarks of a director maturing into his own and creating his own unique style.

Byung-woon is a charming guy - he spends his time with various crazy business schemes and waits around in a horseracing stadium. He is then confronted by his ex Hee-su, who asks unconditionally for the 3.5 million won (around 3500 USD) he borrowed from her. He doesn't have the money on him right now, but he promises Hee-su he'll get her the money if she comes with him to meet some of his friends so he can get money from them.

The film is structured like a roadtrip, where Byung-woon goes from friend to friend (mostly women), trying to raise the money. In the meantime, both of them learn new things about each other, and see a few glimpses of the relationship that was.

Byung-woon isn't portrayed as a scumbag as many other movies would have been prone to do, here he is shown as a person who means well and is legitimately guilty about their relationship falling apart. Ha Jung-woo portrays the character with just the right nuances and the viewer tends to sympathize with him. Hee-su (portrayed by award winning actress Jeon Do-yeon) at first seems too angry with her ex, but further conversations reveal why. She's obviously hurt by what happened in the past, and in some way, she still cares about her ex. How much, on the other hand, is another question entirely.

The film shines the best with the characters delivering exceptional performances. Although there aren't any drama-filled cry-your-heart-out moments in the film, there are exceptionally awkward situations where I felt myself squirming in my seat. These moments flesh out the dichotomy of their respective views of their failed relationship even further.

The film ends on a rather low key but perfect moment, encapsulating everything the little day-long roadtrip was meant to be. No deus-ex-machina are present. Instead, the characters see each other in a new light, and for now, that's for the best.