There's a sequence at the end of Jun Posadas' Amalanhig: The Vampire Chronicle (yeah there's apparently only one chronicle) that doubles as a music video for the band The Late Isabel. It has nothing to do with the film and involves Jerico Estregan fighting a maggot-eating creature while upside down. Like I just said, it has absolutely nothing to do with the movie. It's also not directed by Posadas, and to be perfectly honest I wish that other guy had directed Amalanhig instead, because Amalanhig is the most moronic horror movie of 2017.
Now I know a lot of horror movies are based on stupid people making stupid decisions, but this movie takes the cake. In fact, it takes all the cakes. I don't think there are any more cakes left in the bakery.
For their research project, a bunch of students investigate the Amalanhig and a spate of mysterious deaths. The evidence for this? A bloody notebook in the possession of Jerico Estregan. Apparently his relative is in the police force or something. Who willingly gives up a bloody piece of evidence from an unsolved case to a bunch of millennials? An idiot, that's who. But he or she is just one of many idiots in this film. That also raises a few more questions. What course are these students taking? Journalism? Biology? Why are they so determined to pass this damn course?
The relentless persistence of these kids is quite outstanding. They are so dedicated to passing their research project on time that they willfully ignore multiple warnings from various people NOT to go on with the investigation, including legendary actress Lilia Cuntapay (sadly, this was her last film before she died last year.) If Lilia Cuntapay is telling you not to go to a creepy place, you fucking listen.
But because these kids have the collective IQ of a paramecium, they trudge on through the forest and meet an old guy who practices pagan magic and his English speaking old sidekick. This sidekick speaks to them in English apparently for comedic reasons, the same way Dolphy used it back in the day. I am okay with this concept, because at least things aren't boring. Also, old shaman magic guy possesses a magic whip that makes lightsaber sounds. One wonders if they paid Lucasfilm for the royalties.
So most of the movie consists of these two old guys trying to convince this group of young idiots to abandon their search for the Amalanhig. They almost succeed at one point, but then the van stops. Jerico Estregan tries to convince the others to stay because of reasons. They are eventually convinced when one of the other members starts giving a lecture on the pathophysiology, epidemiology and spread of the Human Vampirism Virus. This virus is never brought up again and it's made increasingly clear that it has absolutely nothing to do with the magical origins of the Amalanhig, but since these characters are complete simpletons, this somehow convinces them to pursue their research project anyway.
They are later trapped by this creepy cult, perhaps under threat of death and bodily harm. They are asked why they are so persistent in trying to find out what the Amalanhig's all about. Their response crushed me:
"Gusto lang po naming pumasa sa research namin"
(we just want to pass our research)
- a complete moron
Predictably, most of them die in the end because they are too stupid to live. Miraculously, however, two of them survive. What do they do afterwards? Do they go to the police and report what happened? Do they become vampire hunters? Did they pass their goddamn research paper? Nope. They make out on the beach, complete with slurping sounds. Tsup, tsup, tsup.
Amalanhig: The Vampire Chronicle is excrement for idiots. Its characters do not have the brain power to function as normal human beings. While it has some okay special effects, it's muddled behind very poor filmmaking.
And, by the way:
There's no reason to watch the film anymore. You're welcome.
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