 |
| watch me 'champion' this fucking masterpiece |
[[[[[historical record 23440226-0416 replay mode activated.]]]]
IT IS THE YEAR 2344.
The administrator A.I. of the seventh enclave, Bocaue Bulacan chapter, Melchizedek-0215, has reconstructed the consciousness engrams of a relatively obscure fat film reviewer from the pre-dark age era to examine curious historical records unearthed by local archaeologists...
 |
| BOCAUE BULACAN 2344 |
X-3179, servant A.I: Putangina mo.
M-0215: Putangina mo rin, X.
(Historical context: this is now the standard Tagal0g greeting in the 2300s, stemming from the rule of the seventh Philippine dynastic A.I. tyrant, DU3000. He was deposed after rebels inserted a wet chicken into his mechanical anus. He may have been chicken-fucked to death, but his language seeped into cultural memory.)
X-3179: I have prepared the consciousness engrams and stored them into a relatable interface so that you can speak with him personally. His designation shall be [[[J0hn T-asil]]]. The T is for Tau.
M-0215: Thank you, X. Putangina mo.
A fat man shimmers in front of M-0215.
T: the fuck
M-0215: Putangina mo, T.
T: (Flustered) Tangina mo rin, gago ka!
M-0215: Apologies, let me readjust my Tagal0g to pre-dark age specifications. [bleep bloop] Welcome, T. I am a sentient A.I. who has revived you for one specific reason. I will explain to you your predicament later, though I suspect my assistant A.I. has helped a bit with acclimating you to this time frame. Let us cut to the chase. I want you to talk about the 2019 Ronnie Ricketts Film, Exit Point.
(there is a long pause.)
T: Really? I've been revived and my consciousness pulled through space and time for this shit? Out of all the things about Philippine Cinema we can talk about, we're going to talk about THIS!?
M-0215: Yes.
(there is another, longer pause.)
T: Well, okay then. In early 2019, Ronnie Ricketts returned to the big screen with Exit Point, a film so certifiably insane that aficionados of schlock will no doubt one day look back upon it and consider it a hidden gem. But I guess that didn't happen, or...?
M-0215: Interesting. We consider Ricketts to be something of a minor deity in our time.
T: Fantastic. The first thing you probably should know about Exit Point is that it is actually a science fiction film: it takes place in the far flung and almost alien year of... 2024, where things pretty much look the same, but worse. It allegedly takes place in a prison, though I have a feeling it was shot in a basketball court or gym, maybe even a barangay court. We are introduced to our cast of characters, mostly prisoners with dark pasts. Despite the fact that many of them are involved in killing, extortion or kidnapping, they still have time to have a silly dance competition in a barangay basketball court - I mean prison gym. A covered prison gym, at that. 2024 prisons are fancy, I guess.
 |
| something like this (this is from Brgy Bulua in CDO) |
They all get into fights, and they are all stopped by prison guards, who are all wearing these really cheap t-shirts with camouflage printed on them. No doubt they got those shirts at an ukay-ukay or something. The director of this particular prison camp is Jackie Lou Blanco, who seems to enjoy not really administrating the camp, letting her prisoners run wild. She also has a gigantic nameplate on her desk. You know, come to think of it the prison officials have giant nameplates on their cheap shirts too. The costume and production designer for this film really likes nameplates.
Among the prisoners are a couple of foreigners. There's this Australian lady, a black guy who's either Jamaican or African (the film and the actor can't seem to decide which is which) and a Korean, who at least for now doesn't have any subtitles accompanying his dialogue.
Apparently one of those fights, the one between Gerardo "Gido" Escueta (Alvin Anson) and Wilfredo "Waldo" Ocampo (Ronnie Ricketts)...
M-0215: ...our minor Lord and Savior.
T: Our minor Lord and Savior, yes. Anyway, that fight between those two people seems to have been a ruse to let Gido kill Waldo, but the attempt is unsuccessful. Furious but undeterred, Prison Director Jackie Lou Blanco decides to do something drastic: send these prisoners to an island and let them kill each other in a crazy fight to the death~!
M-0215: so, like the Hunger Games?
T: well, actually....
M-0215: ...the 2000 Japanese film adaptation Battle Royale?
T: not really...
M-0215: Fortnite?
T: not really...
M-0215: Fortnite?
T: Haha no. Actually, at least for this part of the film, I prefer for comparison purposes the 2007 film The Condemned starring Stone Cold Steve Austin, because wrestling is life. *D-Generation X signs his crotch*
 |
| WWE films: epitome of American cinema |
T: The convicts are led to this island, where they are given their Suicide Squad - style intro, but if Suicide Squad were made on a budget of 15 pesos and a used bottle of Pantene Pro-V. We learn of their crimes their age, and their scary nicknames. Except for Gido and Waldo, of course, because those are their nicknames, and we all know the scariest, most intimidating name a man could have is fucking WALDO.
 |
| you're laughing now, but can you find him when he's slashing your throat? Stealth Killer Waldo, motherfuckers |
T: One of the convicts is colorfully named "Beki Bato," because he's gay I guess? No, he doesn't look like Bato, the clowny policeman. He embodies a lot of gay stereotypes, because for all intents and purposes, everyone involved in the writing of this film has their brain stuck in the 1990s.
Everyone starts making their own improvised weapons. A man breaks two sticks to use as makeshift Arnis. One just picks up a tree branch from the ground and calls it a day. One of the prisoners gets a little creative and makes primitive stone axes and bladed weapons. And amidst all this, what does Waldo make?
Rock-filled Socks
used like Nunchucks.
Fuckin' Sock-chucks.
- Lang Leav or some shit
M-0215: Who is...?
T: I'll get you a copy of her books. Some of the other prisoners band together, while most fly solo, notably Australian girl who has decided to do some yoga or something before the inevitable fight. The fighting begins and people start dying! The choreography is nice in that at the very least you can see something, (watch out Buybust Ronnie Ricketts is coming for your ass) but the editing makes a lot of fight scenes pretty much gibberish. Gido and Waldo predictably face off, resulting in one of the best exchanges of dialogue in this film:
T: I'll get you a copy of her books. Some of the other prisoners band together, while most fly solo, notably Australian girl who has decided to do some yoga or something before the inevitable fight. The fighting begins and people start dying! The choreography is nice in that at the very least you can see something, (watch out Buybust Ronnie Ricketts is coming for your ass) but the editing makes a lot of fight scenes pretty much gibberish. Gido and Waldo predictably face off, resulting in one of the best exchanges of dialogue in this film:
Gido
(scoffs) Sino ka, si Bruce Lee?
Waldo
Buti alam mo.
People start dying at this point. One inmate, nicknamed Bagets, kicks the bucket. Bato Beki gets a concussion, but survives. Gido escapes his duel with Waldo, leaving Waldo to rescue a random girl who he shakes like a mistreated baby afterwards. But there are more shadows in the forest, and it is clear this island isn't deserted.
Surprise madafakas, it's CANNIBALS!
This is the part where the film goes from bad action movie to... bad action movie but with muthafucking cannibals vs convicts.
The cannibals start attacking and eating the prisoners, including Beki Bato (RIP) and they kill people FAST. Waldo tries to help, but in a massive twist...
...he gets an arrow to the knee! I'm not fucking kidding.
Waldo runs off with a new makeshift team: big guy of uncertain ethnicity, shaken baby girl and her romantic foil. Gido joins in too, because why not. While all of this is happening, Prison Director Jackie Lou Blanco draws Xs onto pictures of the inmates using a giant marker to keep track of the living and the dead. Apparently in 2024 monitors, computers or equipment don't exist.
M-0215: You don't remember the great computer shortage of 2023?
T: I guess I forgot? Also, in an island that looked completely untouched based on establishing shots, Jackie Lou and her minions are stationed at what looks like either a local resort, the kind that's family run and modest... or it could be the local barangay hall, who knows. Maybe the location managers were doing a 2 for 1 here when they shot scenes at the basketball court. Okay then.
Wait, computer shortage of 2023? So this film accurately predicted the future?
M-0215: Well, I did say we currently consider Lord Ricketts our-
T: -minor Lord and Savior, yeah. Holy shit.
Anyway, the team have a little meeting together (the arrow to the knee is mercifully removed.) Gido's being an asshole as always, while secretly contacting Jackie Lou and her minions. Waldo saves the life of a cannibal kid, for some reason? One of Jackie Lou's men is actually a man of conscience. Of course, this film being what it is, he gets sent to the cannibals for Brunch. Or maybe Linner?
That's topped off with some Samgyeopsal, with some extra special flavor...
HAHA AND THE FLAVOR IS PEOPLE
After eating the Korean guy (remember him?) and serving him up as some convict chapchae, the cannibals turn their attention to the other prisoners. While this is going on, we also learn a bit about Waldo's past: he used to be a soldier working for evil general guy, but resisted when evil general guy wanted to raise some shit. So evil general guy sends his soldiers to kill Waldo's wife and kid in front of him. Waldo, the genius that he is, confronts evil general guy instead of assassinating him from the shadows and gets himself arrested like a total chode.
Oh, and by the way: evil general guy is PRISON DIRECTOR JACKIE LOU BLANCO'S BROTHER!!! dun dun duuuuuuuuuuuun! He visits his sister at the local barangay hall and demands for Waldo to be killed, now.
Meanwhile, things aren't going very well in paradise.Gibo Gido kills the large dude and betrays the team. Like, who didn't see that coming, huh? He plans to kill Waldo shortly after, but unceremoniously gets himself killed by stepping on a bamboo trap. The remaining 3 teamsters go to the very end of the island, Waldo being chased by cannibals and the other two survivors running from the prison guards/soldiers. Spoiler alert, the other two don't really matter.
Waldo faces off against the cannibal chief, who looks like Maui from the Disney animated film Moana, or rather, a Maui look alike from a cheap knock off of Moana made in Nigeria that was released direct to video. Waldo apparently dies, leading to Jackie Lou and her evil general Bro celebrating his death and leaving the local barangay hall to maybe drink martinis or something. Took you guys long enough.
But!
But!
M-0215: But?
T: Waldo is actually alive! Before faux Maui could kill him, he is stopped by his son, who cries out, pleading to save his life. It turns out the son was the same kid who Waldo saved earlier. It boggles the mind why the soldiers didn't hear the kid shouting, but I guess it's too much to ask for logic from a film like this. So faux Maui basically does a Statue of Liberty play, fakes out all the soldiers and takes the wounded body of Waldo deeper into the forest, because he's an honorable warrior in their eyes.
M-0215: I see. So Waldo organizes a rebellion and with his new cannibal army, returns to fight evil general guy and prison director, getting his revenge?
(there is a pause.)
T: Nope. The film ends there.
(there is another pause.)
M-0215: pardon my French, but what the fuck?
T: The movie ends. It's over. We never get to see what happens. Maybe the person who wrote the screenplay forgot about things like basic storytelling or the concept of story arcs, or all the characters that were counting on Waldo to kill the general and his sister, and proceeded to slam dunk the film into the piss-stained garbage heap of history. Unless you have Exit Point 2 in your database somewhere...?
M-0215: there is no evidence of that film in the historical record. We will ask our archaeologists to investigate further.
T: you'd best. You know, I really don't know why you revived me for this. You could always have revived-
M-0215: ...ahhhhh, let us not talk about that particular person. Your responses are sufficient at this time.
T: Hey, some of my later memories are coming back. Want me to share some stories about the great Cinemalaya debacle of 202-
M-0215: ...perhaps after Linner.
(there is a pause.)
M-0215: so what did you think about Exit Point?
T: What did I think? It's one of the most insane movies I've ever seen. It's a hot flaming dumpster fire of a movie. The script makes no sense, it's mostly incoherent, the production design, if you would call it that, is laughable, the action scenes are fine, but we don't really get a lot of Sock-chuck action, and the acting is so wooden, it could help build infrastructure for the next 25 years. And what the hell is the moral of the story? "Cannibals are actually okay, I guess?" They literally fucking EAT PEOPLE ALIVE, for crying out loud.
But you know what? I enjoyed it. The premise is so out there, so ambitious even if it failed in its execution, that I would be interested to see what Ricketts -
M-0215: -Lord Ricketts-
T: Lord Ricketts, sorry, could have done with a budget to accompany those insane ideas. Those films would probably not be good films, but they'd probably be films I'd want to see in the middle of the night, either drunk or high, preferably with friends.
M-0215: I see. X! Come in with the materiel.
X-3179: I have brought the materiel you requested: post 2019 Ronnie Ricketts films from our archive.
M-0215: as you can see, [[[J0hn T-asil]]], we still have a lot to discuss...
[[[[[historical record 23440226-0416 end of replay mode]]]]
Surprise madafakas, it's CANNIBALS!
This is the part where the film goes from bad action movie to... bad action movie but with muthafucking cannibals vs convicts.
The cannibals start attacking and eating the prisoners, including Beki Bato (RIP) and they kill people FAST. Waldo tries to help, but in a massive twist...
...he gets an arrow to the knee! I'm not fucking kidding.
 |
| ...like this. Yes, it's as ridiculous as it sounds. |
M-0215: You don't remember the great computer shortage of 2023?
T: I guess I forgot? Also, in an island that looked completely untouched based on establishing shots, Jackie Lou and her minions are stationed at what looks like either a local resort, the kind that's family run and modest... or it could be the local barangay hall, who knows. Maybe the location managers were doing a 2 for 1 here when they shot scenes at the basketball court. Okay then.
Wait, computer shortage of 2023? So this film accurately predicted the future?
M-0215: Well, I did say we currently consider Lord Ricketts our-
T: -minor Lord and Savior, yeah. Holy shit.
Anyway, the team have a little meeting together (the arrow to the knee is mercifully removed.) Gido's being an asshole as always, while secretly contacting Jackie Lou and her minions. Waldo saves the life of a cannibal kid, for some reason? One of Jackie Lou's men is actually a man of conscience. Of course, this film being what it is, he gets sent to the cannibals for Brunch. Or maybe Linner?
That's topped off with some Samgyeopsal, with some extra special flavor...
HAHA AND THE FLAVOR IS PEOPLE
After eating the Korean guy (remember him?) and serving him up as some convict chapchae, the cannibals turn their attention to the other prisoners. While this is going on, we also learn a bit about Waldo's past: he used to be a soldier working for evil general guy, but resisted when evil general guy wanted to raise some shit. So evil general guy sends his soldiers to kill Waldo's wife and kid in front of him. Waldo, the genius that he is, confronts evil general guy instead of assassinating him from the shadows and gets himself arrested like a total chode.
 |
| seriously, he could have used his stealth powers and hid in plain sight like this, dammit. |
Meanwhile, things aren't going very well in paradise.
Waldo faces off against the cannibal chief, who looks like Maui from the Disney animated film Moana, or rather, a Maui look alike from a cheap knock off of Moana made in Nigeria that was released direct to video. Waldo apparently dies, leading to Jackie Lou and her evil general Bro celebrating his death and leaving the local barangay hall to maybe drink martinis or something. Took you guys long enough.
But!
But!
M-0215: But?
T: Waldo is actually alive! Before faux Maui could kill him, he is stopped by his son, who cries out, pleading to save his life. It turns out the son was the same kid who Waldo saved earlier. It boggles the mind why the soldiers didn't hear the kid shouting, but I guess it's too much to ask for logic from a film like this. So faux Maui basically does a Statue of Liberty play, fakes out all the soldiers and takes the wounded body of Waldo deeper into the forest, because he's an honorable warrior in their eyes.
M-0215: I see. So Waldo organizes a rebellion and with his new cannibal army, returns to fight evil general guy and prison director, getting his revenge?
(there is a pause.)
T: Nope. The film ends there.
(there is another pause.)
M-0215: pardon my French, but what the fuck?
T: The movie ends. It's over. We never get to see what happens. Maybe the person who wrote the screenplay forgot about things like basic storytelling or the concept of story arcs, or all the characters that were counting on Waldo to kill the general and his sister, and proceeded to slam dunk the film into the piss-stained garbage heap of history. Unless you have Exit Point 2 in your database somewhere...?
M-0215: there is no evidence of that film in the historical record. We will ask our archaeologists to investigate further.
T: you'd best. You know, I really don't know why you revived me for this. You could always have revived-
M-0215: ...ahhhhh, let us not talk about that particular person. Your responses are sufficient at this time.
T: Hey, some of my later memories are coming back. Want me to share some stories about the great Cinemalaya debacle of 202-
M-0215: ...perhaps after Linner.
(there is a pause.)
M-0215: so what did you think about Exit Point?
T: What did I think? It's one of the most insane movies I've ever seen. It's a hot flaming dumpster fire of a movie. The script makes no sense, it's mostly incoherent, the production design, if you would call it that, is laughable, the action scenes are fine, but we don't really get a lot of Sock-chuck action, and the acting is so wooden, it could help build infrastructure for the next 25 years. And what the hell is the moral of the story? "Cannibals are actually okay, I guess?" They literally fucking EAT PEOPLE ALIVE, for crying out loud.
But you know what? I enjoyed it. The premise is so out there, so ambitious even if it failed in its execution, that I would be interested to see what Ricketts -
M-0215: -Lord Ricketts-
T: Lord Ricketts, sorry, could have done with a budget to accompany those insane ideas. Those films would probably not be good films, but they'd probably be films I'd want to see in the middle of the night, either drunk or high, preferably with friends.
M-0215: I see. X! Come in with the materiel.
X-3179: I have brought the materiel you requested: post 2019 Ronnie Ricketts films from our archive.
M-0215: as you can see, [[[J0hn T-asil]]], we still have a lot to discuss...
[[[[[historical record 23440226-0416 end of replay mode]]]]
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