When I was a little boy, my father used to rent tons of action movies on VHS. These movies weren't just Stallone and Schwarzenegger films, but also Van Damme and Seagal films. Occasionally, however, he would rent something really obscure (at the time, anyway) like Gymkata or Bloodsport III (there are actually three sequels to Bloodsport). Since then, I kind of have a soft spot for cheesy, over the top ridiculous action films.
The Trigonal is one of these films, at least in spirit. It's the kind of testosterone laced action fest that kinda died out 20 to 30 years ago. It's the kind of bizarre ultramasculine dick fest that makes you want to cock punch babies into the stratosphere and sing America the Beautiful before you load up you AR-15 and shoot up a room full of baby seals*. It is by no means good, but it is definitely enjoyable for people of certain tastes. Since it's probably gone from cinemas as of this writing, let me tell you all about this film, in the hopes that you'll get to see it someday.
The Trigonal stars a number of esteemed martial artists, like protagonist Jason Casa, played by actor-martial artist and Asian Fabio Ian Ignacio. He is joined by Wushu champion Sarah Chang, who plays one of my favorite characters in the film. But we'll talk about her later. Since some of these guys aren't actually actors, they aren't always good or humanly believable. The acting prowess of these martial artists vary from great to acceptable to Samurai Cop levels of hamminess. They are balanced out by local actors such as all around cutie Rhian Ramos, versatile Epy Quizon, uhh... Christian Vasquez and veteran actor Monsour Del Rosario.
So the Trigonal is about this dude Jason Casa who has recently won a gold medal at some random martial arts tournament. Like Son Goku from Dragon Ball Z, the dude REALLY loves fighting. But, his young, pretty wife Annie (Rhian Ramos) wants him to hang up the gloves. Or the belt. Or the jockstrap. Or whatever the hell he wears while fighting. Annie is the most levelheaded and rational character in this movie, so that means she will have to be taken out of the equation pretty fast, and that's exactly what happens.
Sleazy crime boss/drug lord Henry Tan (Gus Liem) wants Jacob to join his super ultra mega death tournament, the Trigonal. What's the difference between the Trigonal and every other illegal underground death tournament? The fighting area is a triangle. That's it. Henry Tan is flanked by two ladies who look like the Asian version of Chyna (RIP). These amazons look so strong, they can probably break me in half and drink the creamy filling. Anyway, back to the story. Henry Tan sends one of his minions, Allen (Christian Vasquez), to convince Jacob to join the tournament.
Now I'm aware Vasquez is a decent actor; I've seen him in commercials and TV. But his performance here takes the cake and crosses into a different dimension.With the character of Allen, Christian Vasquez acts like his blood has been completely replaced with Monster energy drink, delivering Allen's lines in a weird cadence, like if someone was acting out the text in a mocking spongebob meme.
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| aRe YOu rEAdY tO fiGhT iN tHe tRiGoNAl!?!?!? |
Allen takes the message to Jacob; thanks to his wife's advice, Jacob declines. Allen goes back to his boss like an idiot and tells Henry Tan, who banishes him from his island or something. Pissed off, Allen takes revenge, beats up and rapes Annie into a coma and kills Jacob's fellow teacher (Epy Quizon). Now that the professional actors have been taken out of the picture, it's time for some top notch ham.
It also bears mentioning that when the doctor talks to Jacob about his wife Annie, he refers to her as "the female patient." Maximum lulz to the doctors that do that in real life.
Meanwhile, Jacob is being seduced into joining the Trigonal by this sexy lady with a vaguely Eastern European accent. He's kinda convinced but still needs a bit more convincing. She gives him a really old Nokia phone, instructing him to dial 666 and call that number in case he wants to join. But the whole attacking the dojo, beating his wife and killing his friend pretty much seals the deal.
Haha not really. Jacob spends his time getting wasted at a bar, when he overhears Allen talking about the shit he did at Jacob's dojo. Jacob attacks Allen and his gang, and the resulting scuffle results in Allen's premature (and hilarious, tbh) death. Jacob is rescued by Mei (Sarah Chang), the daughter of the head of the local Chinese temple. While I am sad that Allen's gone, Mei's more than enough to fill up the gap. Her character is written like a 9 year old's dream girl: martial arts expert, genius MIT student, snarky yet quirky at the same time.
"They even call me Kung Fu Panda, 'cause I'm Chinese!!!" Mei tells Jacob. I love this character already.
Mei and the rest of her Wushu temple nurses Jacob back to health, and when Jacob returns to his ruined dojo, he meets a manly policeman (Vincent Soberano, who also directed this film) who dares Jacob to use his MMA on him, so that Jacob can taste his MM... his 9mm, that is.
I'm not sure if that exchange has any innuendo or what.
Jacob tells Mei that he will be joining the tournament, but only to bring it down via a buybust operation. He tells her that the competitors under the employ of Henry Tan use a dangerous new drug that turns them into super strong fighters, a drug that he describes is a combination of "Shabu, Crystal Meth and TYLENOL."
Let's just conveniently forget the fact that 1) Shabu IS Crystal Meth and 2) none of those ingredients do anything other than make you high (and maybe sleepy, depending on the type of Tylenol involved.)
So what is the name of this new drug? Something fierce or scary, like Alligator or Raptor? Something chemical sounding, perhaps? Mei asks Jacob this question. Jacob answers with, and I'm not shitting you here, that the new drug is called... NEW DRUG.
My mind is blown.
There is one downside to using NEW DRUG - it really does a job on the kidneys of the people taking the drug. So the rest of the fights really boil down to our protagonists spamming kidney punches until they win. Despite that, Jacob tells Mei that he has to learn the secret of "penetrating energy," which will allow him to penetrate his opponents with a stronger, harder force, repeatedly. This leads him to seek out a retired sensei (Monsour Del Rosario) who teaches him Tapado, a variant of Arnis with longer sticks. That's just what Jacob needs: longer sticks and more powerful penetration.
After the requisite training montage, Jacob and Mei head over to the secret island where the Trigonal is being held. Mei brings along a bunch of fortune cookies, because she's Chinese, duh. Of course, fortune cookies were invented by Japanese Americans and not the Chinese, but let's just conveniently forget that fact.
The fighters are greeted by Henry Tan and his mooks, as well as a troupe of cultural dancers. Those guys must've had balls of steel to accept such a weird gig. Henry Tan coordinates with his drug lab and his QUITE OBVIOUSLY OLD head scientist to help finish the drug shipment in time. Or something.
The fights start. There is a little person in there accompanying the MC for some reason. As it turns out, he's the ref. Mei remarks, "that Midget is distracting!" Her words, not mine lol. When Jacob faces off against Tan's #1 dude, that henchman begins the fight by kicking aside our vertically challenged ref like a soccer ball, which of course made me laugh, which means I'm going to hell when I die. Jacob eventually wins by - you guessed it - spamming kidney punches until the opponent rage quits from life and dies. Meanwhile, the police swarm the compound as the fights are going on, even managing to fight with a drug-enhanced OBVIOUSLY OLD head scientist. They finally arrive at the fighting area, and in the commotion, Tan escapes. Jacob and co. give chase, with Mei fighting against Tan's two amazon mooks, and Jacob facing against Tan himself.
Jacob and Henry Tan face off, but of course we know Jacob will win because of his big dick penetrating energy. Oh, and kidney punches. Jacob finishes the fight by stuffing money into Henry Tan's mouth. By this time the hilarity had caused my sides to leave the solar system and enter interstellar space.
Jacob is sad that he didn't get to win the Trigonal's $1,000,000 prize fair and square, but tough 9mm cop gives him Tan's money anyway, even if, you know, that money could be used as evidence in a trial or something. Jacob's like 'kay whatever, and takes the money. Then we get a number of goodbyes and Jacob spends time with his wife for about 5 more seconds because that's probably all that's left of the filmmakers' Rhian Ramos budget.
I'm not sure if that exchange has any innuendo or what.
Jacob tells Mei that he will be joining the tournament, but only to bring it down via a buybust operation. He tells her that the competitors under the employ of Henry Tan use a dangerous new drug that turns them into super strong fighters, a drug that he describes is a combination of "Shabu, Crystal Meth and TYLENOL."
Let's just conveniently forget the fact that 1) Shabu IS Crystal Meth and 2) none of those ingredients do anything other than make you high (and maybe sleepy, depending on the type of Tylenol involved.)
So what is the name of this new drug? Something fierce or scary, like Alligator or Raptor? Something chemical sounding, perhaps? Mei asks Jacob this question. Jacob answers with, and I'm not shitting you here, that the new drug is called... NEW DRUG.
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| I HAVE THE BEST DRUGS, THE BEST DRUG NAMES, BELIEVE ME |
There is one downside to using NEW DRUG - it really does a job on the kidneys of the people taking the drug. So the rest of the fights really boil down to our protagonists spamming kidney punches until they win. Despite that, Jacob tells Mei that he has to learn the secret of "penetrating energy," which will allow him to penetrate his opponents with a stronger, harder force, repeatedly. This leads him to seek out a retired sensei (Monsour Del Rosario) who teaches him Tapado, a variant of Arnis with longer sticks. That's just what Jacob needs: longer sticks and more powerful penetration.
After the requisite training montage, Jacob and Mei head over to the secret island where the Trigonal is being held. Mei brings along a bunch of fortune cookies, because she's Chinese, duh. Of course, fortune cookies were invented by Japanese Americans and not the Chinese, but let's just conveniently forget that fact.
The fighters are greeted by Henry Tan and his mooks, as well as a troupe of cultural dancers. Those guys must've had balls of steel to accept such a weird gig. Henry Tan coordinates with his drug lab and his QUITE OBVIOUSLY OLD head scientist to help finish the drug shipment in time. Or something.
The fights start. There is a little person in there accompanying the MC for some reason. As it turns out, he's the ref. Mei remarks, "that Midget is distracting!" Her words, not mine lol. When Jacob faces off against Tan's #1 dude, that henchman begins the fight by kicking aside our vertically challenged ref like a soccer ball, which of course made me laugh, which means I'm going to hell when I die. Jacob eventually wins by - you guessed it - spamming kidney punches until the opponent rage quits from life and dies. Meanwhile, the police swarm the compound as the fights are going on, even managing to fight with a drug-enhanced OBVIOUSLY OLD head scientist. They finally arrive at the fighting area, and in the commotion, Tan escapes. Jacob and co. give chase, with Mei fighting against Tan's two amazon mooks, and Jacob facing against Tan himself.
Jacob and Henry Tan face off, but of course we know Jacob will win because of his big dick penetrating energy. Oh, and kidney punches. Jacob finishes the fight by stuffing money into Henry Tan's mouth. By this time the hilarity had caused my sides to leave the solar system and enter interstellar space.
Jacob is sad that he didn't get to win the Trigonal's $1,000,000 prize fair and square, but tough 9mm cop gives him Tan's money anyway, even if, you know, that money could be used as evidence in a trial or something. Jacob's like 'kay whatever, and takes the money. Then we get a number of goodbyes and Jacob spends time with his wife for about 5 more seconds because that's probably all that's left of the filmmakers' Rhian Ramos budget.
The Trigonal is so hardcore, its penetrating dick energy blasted out of the movie screen and fornicated with my eye sockets, leaving me pregnant with several bald muscular children. It's the kind of film that I would definitely watch with a bunch of drunk friends. You know, I'd probably watch it with sober friends too, if they're fans of this kind of shit.
*Present Confusion does not condone these horrible acts., but admits that dick punching babies into the stratosphere may have some minor comedic value.
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