Squad Goals #FBOIS

Squad Goals is Viva's attempt to promote its boy group, the Fbois. Kudos to whoever thought of that boy group name, as it brings me much happiness. They even have individual names: Justin Trono is Flyboi, Vitto Marquez is Fitboi, Andrew Muhlach is Funnyboi, Jack Reid is Fastboi (what does this mean!? faster than the Flash?)  and Dan Hushcka, the Funkyboi, which is now my most favorite moniker ever. One is immediately reminded of the 1984 film Bagets, which promoted its own boy group. (Or maybe I'm the only one reminded of that, I won't judge or anything.) 

In this film, however, I'd like to call them something else: Dancing Phantom of the Opera, Basketboi, Filipino Pauly Shore, Allied Powers Boi and Axis Powers Boi, because I had to amuse myself. Squad Goals the movie isn't really that bad, it's just meh. It's the ultimate example of a meh film, where the stakes are so low and the conflict so inconsequential that you have to amuse yourself (or be big fans or these bois) to endure it.

The movie is about these five bois going to college and getting into the line of sight of college professor Mandy Daluyong (get it? haha). His course has a notoriously high fail rate, which may not be because the students are bad, given the fact that the college had to schedule remedial classes to keep everyone on schedule. That's basically the equivalent of having the college admit it had a booboo. Anyway, the #fbois go through a number of shenanigans involving drugs, puking, girls (oooooh) and other things college kids have to deal with. In any case, the main driving point of the film is to have these five fbois pass Social Sciences 1, which is the most important goal to achieve ever since Thanos collected the Infinity Stones. There are also some family issues in this movie, but they have the emotional weight of a tardigrade.

Of course, Viva won't skip the opportunity to cram even more artists into this movie, and the five #fbois have to have on screen partners. Some are naturally suited to their partner, like Ella Cruz, while others are contextualized by weird story arcs. Like who would fall in love with annoying bureaucratic lady? Her character's the kind of person you would find on shows like Isumbong mo Kay Tulfo.

The storytelling in this movie is also weird, as if the story decides to fast forward through character arcs to save some time. Remember annoying bureaucratic lady from the previous paragraph? Surprise, she's now kinda a thing with Jack Reid, and our resident boi now knows a bit of Tagalog. (Personal opinion: I prefer paring him with the ex) The film also prides itself on some lo fi filmmaking, which I'm not even aware is a thing. The Biggest EDM Festival in the Philippines? A backyard party with like fifty people. A big deal talent show? A small event in a closed room with only three contestants.

Ultimately, I really can't hate on this movie, because it's not really geared for me, it's for fans. It's not very good or anything, it's just... there. Squad Goals gets a pink star cut out of cartolina saying "you tried."