 |
| this is a poster |
I'm making good time but I'm thinking I might arrive late to the party. The LRT is packed like sardines, but this is normal; one of many things you have to live with in this country. Drug abuse and addiction is a serious problem that has to be addressed properly. I have no pretensions that this movie is going to be in any way based on reality. I predict something like Reefer Madness, only shitty and even more misinformed.
That's the thing, I guess. The basis for this advocacy is dubious at best, borne probably from well meaning intentions.
I'm thinking about how I'm going to title this thing when I write it. Am I going to go simple? Drugs. Bad. Movie. Do I use a sentence? Should I just copy the synopsis, write grammatically terrible sentences and put 3/5? Do I use corny alliterations? "Dangerous Drugs." "Asinine Advocacy." "Moronic Movie." Forget that shit. This isn't going to be a review. I'm going to push what a review can do to its absolute limit. An experimental film review.
I make it in time. Fuck. So I guess I have to watch this.
Channel 2 is my favorite channel daw but not really.
A kid dies in the middle of the concert, and it's probably due to DRUGS OOOOOOOOO. Sarah Lahbati, who was the lead singer of the band in said concert, is sad. She's not sad because the kid died, she's sad because she's not sure if she sang well in the concert. Her bandmates console her, telling her that she did really great.
really great
REALLY GREAT
.
.
ȑ̸̛̰̼̮͇̺̥̯̩͒͗͛̑͜͠é̛̼̰̹̣̳̦͉͂̿͘ȁ̤͈̬̹͚̮̱̜̩̥́͋̋̑̍̆̕͠l̶̞͈̯͙͍̓̎̋̎͝͝͠l̷̜͔̤̼̟͒̍͋̃́̚͟y̨̭̪̼̥̺̰̰͋͑̆̆̍͝ ģ̶̯̰̞̰͕̱͔̔̅͆̍̇̍̌͑̚r͕̘̥̞̱̃́͒̑́́͂͢ͅe̷̜͎͖̲̜̻̺͑͌̊̈́͑̓̄͊͘ą̦̰̟̙͔̳̩̌͌͂͋͐̂͋͗̚͡t̤͇̤͉̭̯̹̊̐̌͆̅̈
.
3, the loneliest number.
This movie doesn't really have a unifying plot it just combines different separate plotlines like that Chinese drug lord and the altarboy who becomes like one of his lackeys and that band and this one brother whose girl is like a pusher and his brother is also a pusher and those other things and those other guys and this script was written like a train of thought sequence of an old, senile man that goes from one idea to another with little rhyme or reason and doesn't really stop or anything
4.44444444444444444444444444444444444444444444
A treacherous (?) lackey has his neck broken by minion #1. Well, not really. But he falls down though. He's picked up by said minion and he tells the... corpse(?) "Buhay ka pa?" and sets him down. It is unsure whether he really is alive or not. The two women behind me in the theater laugh at this stupidity.
I am in good company.
5ive.
Mark Neumann tells his mom, Lorna Tolentino, "Thanks ma." Or at least that's what the subtitles say. He doesn't say anything in real life. The guy who did the sound for this is ★★★★★
Also a five star guy: Mark Neumann's character. He doesn't take drugs, but his dad (Christopher De Leon) sees Marky Mark get kissed by a girl on campus and you'd think he saw them doing a Dirty Sanchez on the grass. For fuck's sake, it was just a peck on the cheek, not a Rusty Trombone. Apparently PDA is bad. PDA IS DRUGS.
PDA = D MEANS DRUGS = R MEANS REPTILIAN INVASION OF EARTH IS REAL
 |
| FUCK YOU GUYS YOU DIDN'T LISTEN TO ARLENE MAGUILAR |
Sex.
The film shows us a newspaper headline in the old timey way of "someone throws a newspaper at the floor and we see the headline." This seems to imply that this particular bit of news is trash, because who the hell throws a newspaper at the floor. Why not a table?
Why not choose from over 30 Awesome DIY Newspaper Projects?
﹩℮√℮η.
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The colossus that bestrode the world! The rock against which the hordes of Asia dashed themselves in vain!
Ate.
A concerned father brings his daughter to the... police? A priest is also present? It's rehab, I guess. But there are no doctors (maybe nurses). I think it's obvious that the filmmakers don't know how rehab centers work, so obviously said daughter doesn't stay there for long. "No one admits they are a victim," police person says. A theme begins to form.
Nein.
A pimp (whose name is Madame O) berates his stable of prostitutes, not because all of them are like 50 years old (they are) but because they don't take showers and they smell. [slap yourself] At least he's not ageist... and there comes the ageist joke. Another younger group of females comes in... and are those the girls from the rehab center? [slap yourself again] Apparently drugs make you into prostitutes. Makes sense.
 |
| by the way guys, please don't google what a Dirty Sanchez is. Jesus will cry |
Meanwhile, Menggie Cobbarubias is an older pimp (?) that wants Rehab Escapee Daughter to do something nasty for her client. [youyouyou] We really don't know what this sex act is, but horny client guy rubs it in by incessantly coughing (then coughing once more for good measure just as he removes his belt.)
Later, this prostitution ring is busted, in front of the most worthless news anchor ever (he doesn't even ask a question or anything, he just stands there like an idiot.)
あなたは、ピックルジュースを飲んで、人間の呼吸の記録を聞いている間に、あなたが他の誰かの髪の毛で作ったシャツを身に着けて、それにティッシュマークが付いたアンティークのロッキングチェアに座って読んでいますか？
TEN.
The Chinese Druglord, Chuatong (Nino Mulach) seems to be enjoying his drug money.
Hisu drag maneh
In comes his daughter who speaks in a heavy Chinese accent, despite the fact that her father speaks perfect Tagalog. Not only insulting, but racist. But considering the political affiliation of this film, this is not very surprising.
11.47795
Assunta de Rossi
spends most of the film
drunk off her ass
Considering
the fact
that she's
appeared in
both
Higanti
and this film
I can't blame her.
XII.
A bunch of African drug smugglers give their friend a Journalism book... FULL OF DRUGS.
JOURNALISM = DRUGS, GUYS. TIME TO GO HOME N' SHIT
12.5.
The forming theme gains its shape. "Drug users are animals," one person says.
There is a standoff with dirty police in front of Chuatong's laboratory. Of all people, the priest is the one who faces the dirty cops while holding an assault rifle. I remember the bad shit I took just today. It was bad. Just like the dialogue in this scene.
EXT. OUTSIDE CHUATONG'S LAB.
Corrupt Cop TJ Trinidad
"Mananagot ako... SA BATAS? Sino'ng may sabi sa inyo?"
CJ Caparas
"Si Duterte."
十三.
There are tears down Ming Chuatong's eyes. She implores her fat druglord father for an answer. She asks him with earnestness:
"Ano Ikaw Gawa? Ano Ikaw GAWA!? ANO IKAW GAWAAAAAAaaahahahah"
and she dies or something but I don't see it because my eyes are closed because I'm laughing too hard
Katorse.
Mark Wahlberg's dad Christopher De Leon is the worst dad ever. Because he constantly bullies Mark Ruffalo, his son, that he's a drug user even when he's not, Mark Zuckerberg... wait for it... turns to drugs too! Way to go, asshole. There's a weird flashback sequence where Christopher De Leon does drugs that doesn't make any sense until we find out that Christopher De Leon did drugs in the past and is STILL DOING DRUGS.
That's the moral lesson, kids. Drug users cannot and will not change. They are beyond salvation and should be exterminated or put in jail. There are ZERO other solutions.
 |
| ohai Mark |
But wait, there's more!
『f』『i』『f』『t』『e』『e』『n』
In a seedy conference room, various eeeeeevil people want to kill our most beloved and holy President and his only begotten police chief. But it turns out that these multiple assassination attempts end in failure because our president is like super cool. Then police barge in, including a BATO IMPERSONATOR?
 |
| probably not this guy. |
We don't really know for sure since he disappears after the next shot. Maybe Bato merely joined this anti drug operation in spirit, because he's super cool like that.
INTERMISSION
the heart.
ⓢⓘⓧTEEN
Next up, the Mocha girls are seen dancing. I think this is the first time they've all appeared in a movie. They sure have come a long way. Mocha stops the rehearsal to say she's worried that her brother Jeff has been doing drugs or something. Just in time, Jeff wanders in, remorseful. Mocha brings him to the VACC where Dante Jimenez... uh... absolves him or something?
 |
| He also talks to the camera like he's fucking Billy Mays (rest his Oxyclean soul) |
Before this segment, we see a clip of our most exalted, perfect best President in the entire universe saying that there really is no need for Rehab and to go shoot drug users when one sees them. The film seems to contradict this, but not really. The real message here is: don't use drugs. If you do, you're fucked. Unless you're related to someone in the government like Mocha. In that case, you can get help.
Slevinteen
"Tutol kayo sa kontra droga, diba?" asks an extra. I don't think the double negative was intentional based on succeeding dialogue.
No, the old guy retorts. I think he's a popular actor but I'm bad with faces. Drug addicts are dying, he says, and I paraphrase. Don't mind the corpses. 67% of people agree with the drug war. I'm not sure where he got these statistics.
Old Guy is killed by Chuatong because he didn't cite his statistics. Or something.
Bad CGI soldiers later raid Chuatong's beach island escape. No doubt this CGI, which was probably made in Windows 95 or something, will, like Angela Markado, win the FAMAS award for best special effects, because the FAMAS guys OBVIOUSLY have impeccable standards.
protip: they don't
18+ Content
Sarah Lahbati is now like totally addicted to drugs, and she's looking for a stronger fix. With the ashen makeup, she looks like she's in pretty bad shape. Meanwhile, one of her other bandmates, who looks COMPLETELY NORMAL, offers her a drug which is, like, super effective. No doubt this bandmate has the metabolism of a Komodo Dragon.
Of course, Sarah Lahbati has an overdose and becomes catatonic. In fact, almost everyone who uses or has used drugs is killed, dies, or is arrested. Except Sarah's bandmate, because she's cool.
91.
CJ Caparas' character seems to be the only rational human being in this film (this assessment also includes all of the special guest stars, mind you). He seems to be going through his own arc, as haphazardly plotted as it is.
So what the hell is this four split screen sequence with CJ Caparas DURING THE LAST THIRD OF THE FILM? Why the hell is he in Cebu? Why do we only know about his girlfriend just now, 2/3 of the way into the movie? Why do all this storytelling now??won gnilletyrots siht lla od yhW ?eivom eht otni yaw eht fo 3/2 ,won tsuj dneirflrig sih tuoba wonk ylno ew od yhW ?ubeC ni eh si lleh eht yhW ?MLIF EHT FO DRIHT TSAL EHT GNIRUD sarapaC JC htiw ecneuqes neercs tilps ruof siht si lleh eht tahw oS
It's because, even if you ignore the film's politicization, it's still garbage. Carlo Caparas and whoever wrote this shit are incapable of creating a logical story. His way of setting up scenes are pretty terrible and the technical aspects of the film are borderline amateur. This isn't a new problem: it goes way back to the nineties with his sensationalist massacre dreck.
דבר 20
Mark from Perfect Strangers also ODs and is hospitalized. Christopher De Leon and Lorna decide to euthanize him in front of a doctor. This is not only unethical but illegal too. Which I guess fits the message of the film: you can bend and break the law and do all kinds of illegal things as long as your victim is a drug user. Well and good, I guess.
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| I thought this was a pretty great series until the Fire Nation attacked |
Also, Lorna euthanizes her son by removing his oxygen mask, which is the stupidest act of euthanasia I have ever seen. It doesn't work that way, guys.
Blackjack
Everyone receives their own comeuppance. Ronnie Lazaro (who by the way also has a drug lab) is arrested, and he's keen to point out to the police that he isn't wearing any pants. An old lady calls an NBI agent "Mr. NBI."
˙ɥƃᴉS ˙sɔɹɐ ɹǝʇɔɐɹɐɥɔ ǝʌᴉʇɔǝdsǝɹ ɹᴉǝɥʇ ʇnoqɐ ǝɔuǝᴉpnɐ ǝɥʇ llǝʇ ʎǝɥʇ ǝɹǝɥʍ ɥɔɹnɥɔ ɐ uᴉ sǝuǝʌuoɔ ǝuoʎɹǝʌƎ
Did I like the movie or not? What do you think?
Cecil B. DeMille made an actual Egyptian City for The Ten Commandments (1923). The Wachowski Brothers hired hundreds of twins for just one very short scene during the Matrix (1999). Every piece of armor in the Lord of the Rings Trilogy is unique. That Ben-Hur (1959) Chariot race? That was legit. During times of clarity, one remembers Akira Kurosawa's Ran, and the castle he built for one long take, burning under the shadow of Mount Fuji.
And Kamandag ng Droga is a movie.
Cecil B. DeMille made an actual Egyptian City for The Ten Commandments (1923). The Wachowski Brothers hired hundreds of twins for just one very short scene during the Matrix (1999). Every piece of armor in the Lord of the Rings Trilogy is unique. That Ben-Hur (1959) Chariot race? That was legit. During times of clarity, one remembers Akira Kurosawa's Ran, and the castle he built for one long take, burning under the shadow of Mount Fuji.
And Kamandag ng Droga is a movie.
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| WE HAVE ENTERED A NEW AGE |
2 comments:
Hahahahahahahaha!
BWAHAHAHAHA!
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