Bloody Crayons is camp af, but bloody entertaining

Let me preface this by saying Bloody Crayons is no Citizen Kane; if you went into this expecting a masterpiece you are clearly deluding yourself. It's campy as hell, and most of the characters fall within slasher film tropes in that most of them are too stupid to live (or just lack common human sense.) Let me also say this is a sillier review than usual, with me stream of consciousness-ing the entire time.

That said, the film is pretty entertaining, if you go into it to see millennials (and non millennials) get killed in various horrifying ways. Also, it's at least interesting to see how the story and the central mystery plays out, though it quickly becomes painfully obvious who is doing the killings.

The premise, unfortunately, does not involve psychopathic kindergarten teachers stabbing random people with really sharp crayons, which is what I was gunning for. (If anyone ever tries to make a film like that, call me.) Instead, it's based on a Wattpad novel, and we all know Wattpad is home to Palanca award winning masterpieces like Talk Back and You're Dead and Diary ng Panget. 

In the film, a group of film students go to a secluded mansion to film their final project. After playing a (decidedly low budget) party game called Bloody Crayons, people start to die. Who is behind the killings? Why is it happening? Normal crayons don't really make a mark on the skin; aren't those crayon pastels instead of crayons? Why not make it Bloody Markers instead? What's so Bloody about those crayons, or is it an adjective pejoratively addressing the crayons for making awkward social situations possible ("those damn bloody crayons")? Why is the Bloody Mug a plastic party cup worth ~2 pesos with a label on the side?

The acting ranges from "great" to "like cardboard". I won't say who to avoid getting lynched. There's also a scene that has an unusual fascination towards the male characters' abs (complete with slow panning shots!) That I found really weird especially contrasted with the female characters' very conservative swimsuits. But you know, if you're into that stuff, I won't judge.

The film is so unabashedly campy and unpretentious that it's to the film's credit. Its straightforwardness means you get exactly what you pay for: 1.5 hours of slasher film fun. In a world where absolutely everything has to be a commentary on something, sometimes (but not often) genre films like this offer a welcome respite.