Descent into Madness: Tatlong Baraha

For my 199th post, we go from cinematic excellence in Philippine film, to something quite the opposite.

When we look back at the storied saga of Philippine cinema, there are shining gems worthy of praise, bursting with technical expertise and buoyed by top-notch acting.

This is not one of those films.

The 2006 film Tatlong Baraha is a film made for that year's Metro Manila Film Festival. Once the glory of the film industry, churning out some of the local medium's most memorable films (Burlesk Queen, Himala, Ganito kami noon...), the festival has, as of late, produced some of the most inane commercial fare ever produced by any filmmaking nation ever.

I'm not saying, however, that the festival hasn't produced any really good films in recent years (Thy Womb being a particularly good example) but the batting average has been a bit low.

Tatlong Baraha was originally a comic about these three dudes that were really good at using a particular weapon. It was made into a film in 1961 starring Fernando Poe Jr. and later as a western-style movie starring the Lapid brothers. You can watch the whole thing in Youtube, it's an interesting watch.

Tatlong Baraha begins with a completely out of place scene where Bearwin Meily is being chased by security guards in a casino. He gets caught and throws a card at the screen. Let's get it out of the way and tell all of you guys that Bearwin's character is like the Jar-jar Binks of this movie: he's annoying, completely unfunny, and completely unnecessary. I mean, I like the guy as a magician and all, but COME ON.

We then see the Tatlong Baraha foil a bank robbery by swooping in and kicking ass. The action and effects are quite nice if it were a movie made in Tamil Nadu... in 1996.

We then cut to Bearwin again, doing an old man voice, talking to some kids. If he were supposed to be old, why not wear an old man costume? Instead, he does this impression of Master Jeremiah from the Filipino dub of Yu Yu Hakusho which turns out to be completely annoying. He then tells us about how these heroes got their powers.

We cut to the Spanish colonial times, where Lito Lapid is a normal indio, Mark Lapid is a complete nut who runs around like an idiot, and Maynard Lapid is the Hunchback of Notre Dame. They are all oppressed by this army dude (Monsour del Rosario, who is the best thing to happen in this movie) who basically exists to run around and kill people.

After they get thrown into a ditch and shit, this mysterious robed guy comes along, opens his (contemporary English) bible and lightning strikes these three individuals, giving them the power to overthrow the corrupt Spanish regime.

One popular (infamous?) scene has the three protagonists using an electric ceiling fan and a fusebox to kick Spaniard ass. Yep. They actually used this. In the late 1800s.

ANYWAY, we go back to present times and we see the MODERN Tatlong Baraha, who are NOT the original Tatlong Baraha, but are emphasized to be just as good and as handsome as the original three. Yes, the handsome thing is in dialogue.

Now, Lito Lapid is like some dude, Mark Lapid works in a mental institution (HA!) and Maynard Lapid is an altar boy. We are led to believe that something happened to these three that led to them to become the heroes of legend. Monsour does this prayer to this evil guy to give him power and he transforms into a Klingon.

With this transformation, zombies and vampire things attack a bunch of girl scouts (including a young Kathryn Bernardo) and are saved by the Tatlong Baraha. So Monsour and a band of clowns or guys in clown costumes escalate their atrocities and kidnap a bunch of children and the new Tatlong Baraha are tasked to save them.

If the last two paragraphs made any sense, you are a genius.

The incoherence of this film is astounding. Perhaps it is secretly brilliant in that in its complete lack of plot, it's ironically a satire of horrible, plotless movies. At least it didn't sell out and do product placement.

Anyway, the good guys save the day and kill Monsour using the power of prayer (YUUUUUUUUUUP) and an attack that I remembered seeing from Setzer in Final Fantasy VI.

The Tatlong Baraha are heroes that hunt down corruption. Thank goodness they hunt down creatures of the night and fictional people, because if they hunted down actual corrupt guys, well, they might end up hunting themselves. haha.

ha.

ha.....