When it comes to reviewing films, I'm pretty lenient. I usually give positive points to even the most ridiculously plotted, cheap, pathetic films ever made. But there are times when even my own patience cannot save a film. They are truly, BAD films.
There are bad movies that are so bad that they are actually good. If drunk or with equally wasted friends, movies like these can be ridiculed to death. And it's fun. You will have gotten your money's worth by shamelessly excoriating these bad films.
Then there are the bad films that are so bad they are just.... bad. They are films that leave a sour taste in your mouth. They are films that you wish you had pirated instead. They are abominations beyond human understanding.
I'd include a few Uwe Boll films here, but his oeuvre belongs in a category all its own.
My least favorite films of the past 10 (+1) years are:
Tekken
What could have been - THIS IS THE MOST AWESOME MOVIE EV4R!!!!11oneone punching people into the sky, buildings exploding due to punch shockwaves, Brian Fury fucking up an entire army. Because. He. Is. The. Man.
What actually happened - Where are the fights? Where's Kazuya's spine? Why is it always dark? What the fuck is going on!?
My Take - The latest in a long line of bad videogame adaptations. It does everything wrong and pisses all over the source material as if it were that large piece of shit that you want to break apart with your stream of piss. Or something like that.
X3: The Last Stand
What could have been - A movie based on the Phoenix/Dark Phoenix saga, one of the greatest (if not the greatest) story arcs of X-men in the history of the comic. Last two movies, X-Men and X2 were pretty good. That's all I really have to say.
What actually happened - The cinematic equivalent if X-men were a comic book written on yellow pad paper by a 6 year-old.
My Take - There are bad superhero movies, and there is X3: The Last Stand. With plot holes the size of goatse's anus and a patched-together plot that stinks like the aforementioned anus, X3 is as exciting as watching paint dry. It was either this or Spiderman 3, and that one also sucked, but this one took the cake. It also took the plate, the table, the knife and fork, and the room the cake came in.
Pamahiin
What could have been - Decent Asian Horror. With fanservice from Iya Villania of course.
What actually happened - A non-intentional comedy, with non-intentional fanservice from Iya Villania.
My Take - Granted, I've spared myself the horror of watching shitty horror movies from the Philippines (Feng Shui being one of the few halfway decent movies) so I can't say this is the worst, but halfway through the movie I thought this was more a comedy than a horror film. The first half delves into this motif of superstitions, but then in the second half it suddenly transforms into this cheap mishmash of 'possessed' films that Filipinos seemed to love in the late 80's or 90's or something.
Catwoman
What could have been - an epic comic book film about one of Batman's more interesting villains.
What actually happened - an epic failure.
My Take - oh, speaking of bad superhero movies, there's this pile of shit. If I were a cat, I'd probably lose 8 of my 9 lives watching this disaster. Don't blame Halle Berry, it wasn't her fault.
Enteng Kabisote 4
What could have been - to be fair, I really wasn't expecting anything.
What actually happened - 90 minutes of nostalgic cameos, cheap special effects and product placement. Plot? What is this... plot you speak of?
My Take - Take everything you absolutely hate about Philippine cinema. An array celebrities appearing just for the lulz? check. Product placements so frequent it almost feels like corporate masturbation? check. "Special" effects covering for a story that was made by a dozen monkeys typing randomly on a dozen typewriters? check. Corny jokes that were 'in' during the early 1960's? check. This movie fits all the criteria and then some. If there were a bottom of the movie barrel, this would probably be somewhere beyond the bottom of the barrel and somewhere closer to hell.
That's it! That's all I have. I've only watched 1 film in the past 10 days, and it wasn't planet shakingly awesome (it was just ok) so I probably won't be doing a pahabol segment. That's it for 2010. See you guys next year, and have a great time.
Till then, stay presently confused~!
There are bad movies that are so bad that they are actually good. If drunk or with equally wasted friends, movies like these can be ridiculed to death. And it's fun. You will have gotten your money's worth by shamelessly excoriating these bad films.
Then there are the bad films that are so bad they are just.... bad. They are films that leave a sour taste in your mouth. They are films that you wish you had pirated instead. They are abominations beyond human understanding.
I'd include a few Uwe Boll films here, but his oeuvre belongs in a category all its own.
My least favorite films of the past 10 (+1) years are:
TekkenWhat could have been - THIS IS THE MOST AWESOME MOVIE EV4R!!!!11oneone punching people into the sky, buildings exploding due to punch shockwaves, Brian Fury fucking up an entire army. Because. He. Is. The. Man.
What actually happened - Where are the fights? Where's Kazuya's spine? Why is it always dark? What the fuck is going on!?
My Take - The latest in a long line of bad videogame adaptations. It does everything wrong and pisses all over the source material as if it were that large piece of shit that you want to break apart with your stream of piss. Or something like that.
X3: The Last StandWhat could have been - A movie based on the Phoenix/Dark Phoenix saga, one of the greatest (if not the greatest) story arcs of X-men in the history of the comic. Last two movies, X-Men and X2 were pretty good. That's all I really have to say.
What actually happened - The cinematic equivalent if X-men were a comic book written on yellow pad paper by a 6 year-old.
My Take - There are bad superhero movies, and there is X3: The Last Stand. With plot holes the size of goatse's anus and a patched-together plot that stinks like the aforementioned anus, X3 is as exciting as watching paint dry. It was either this or Spiderman 3, and that one also sucked, but this one took the cake. It also took the plate, the table, the knife and fork, and the room the cake came in.
PamahiinWhat could have been - Decent Asian Horror. With fanservice from Iya Villania of course.
What actually happened - A non-intentional comedy, with non-intentional fanservice from Iya Villania.
My Take - Granted, I've spared myself the horror of watching shitty horror movies from the Philippines (Feng Shui being one of the few halfway decent movies) so I can't say this is the worst, but halfway through the movie I thought this was more a comedy than a horror film. The first half delves into this motif of superstitions, but then in the second half it suddenly transforms into this cheap mishmash of 'possessed' films that Filipinos seemed to love in the late 80's or 90's or something.
Catwoman What could have been - an epic comic book film about one of Batman's more interesting villains.
What actually happened - an epic failure.
My Take - oh, speaking of bad superhero movies, there's this pile of shit. If I were a cat, I'd probably lose 8 of my 9 lives watching this disaster. Don't blame Halle Berry, it wasn't her fault.
Enteng Kabisote 4What could have been - to be fair, I really wasn't expecting anything.
What actually happened - 90 minutes of nostalgic cameos, cheap special effects and product placement. Plot? What is this... plot you speak of?
My Take - Take everything you absolutely hate about Philippine cinema. An array celebrities appearing just for the lulz? check. Product placements so frequent it almost feels like corporate masturbation? check. "Special" effects covering for a story that was made by a dozen monkeys typing randomly on a dozen typewriters? check. Corny jokes that were 'in' during the early 1960's? check. This movie fits all the criteria and then some. If there were a bottom of the movie barrel, this would probably be somewhere beyond the bottom of the barrel and somewhere closer to hell.
That's it! That's all I have. I've only watched 1 film in the past 10 days, and it wasn't planet shakingly awesome (it was just ok) so I probably won't be doing a pahabol segment. That's it for 2010. See you guys next year, and have a great time.
Till then, stay presently confused~!
No comments:
Post a Comment