GET READY FOR THE NEXT FAIL

Tekken.

You know where this is going.

I'm a fan of the game series and an amateur player at the same time. I also like movies. Normally when you put together two things that you like, the result is often good. Take Peanut Butter and Jelly, burgers and fries, chocolate and ice cream.

But then again, I like chocolate and ketchup, but fuck if I would eat the two together (hmm... gives me ideas.) Time and again I've seen video game movie adaptations and they're mostly in a bad genre of their own. When you have a fighting game, you usually go three routes.

1) HAM IT LIKE HELL, AND MAKE IT UP AS YOU GO

Street Fighter and Van Damme. What resulted was a bad movie, but a hugely hilarious cult classic. I don't know about you, but Raul Julia stole this show. He managed to raise the level of this movie to epic status by delivering his lines with the panache and balls only a true man like Raul Julia could.

".... it was Tuesday." DAAAMMMNNNNNN

The Chinese elevate this hamminess to ridiculous heights by releasing their own Street Fighter adaptation, which somehow manages to include killing Bison by nuclear bomb to the stomach, convenience stores blowing up, Hong Kong Schoolgirl panties, even Goku at the end. WHAT. THE. FUCK.

2)TRY TO STICK TO THE ORIGINAL AS MUCH AS YOU CAN, AND JUST TRY TO MAKE IT GOOD

Mortal Kombat. It's kind of a mix of an Asian action film, fantasy film and martial arts film. It was actually halfway decent, which in fighting video game terms makes it more or less the Citizen Kane of the genre. Plus that techno theme is catchy as hell.

3) TRY TO BE AT LEAST SOMEWHAT BADASS

This is supposed to be a given, right? I mean, we are making a movie based on a game where people BEAT THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF EACH OTHER. Dead or Alive tried to do this, and compensated by providing the ample babeage. But alas it doesn't work. At least not that much...

So here we have Tekken. Remember that scene in Tekken 6 where Jin and Kazuya try to punch each other and missed, and STILL it broke the shit out of all the windows in the building by creating a huge ass shockwave? This is a game with boxing kangaroos, midget dinosaurs, fighting trees, giant freaking ogre demons and what have you. This movie should be so extremely badass. Make it about a huge tournament by the Mishima Zaibatsu givng away a billion dollars. A number of diverse people, for their own reasons, decides to join the tournament. They fight a couple of badass action sequences, shit goes down, the end. 90 enjoyable minutes of turn-your-brain-off shenanigans.

But in every aspect this movie just fails. You could do either of the three options above to at least try to have some semblance of a good movie. But what occurs puts fear into the most hardy of moviegoers: a movie that isn't good, and isn't bad enough to be laughably bad. It's a movie that wallows in mediocrity.

Tekken takes a fourth route in adapting shit to the big screen:

4) GRIM IT UP

The world of the video game Tekken is one much like ours, albeit in a slightly more advanced level of technology. Everyone is relatively happy. Even the most hardass of characters have their comedic moments.

But things begin to form a more dystopic picture in Tekken the movie: the world is controlled by a number of megacorporations. The Tekken corporation (what the fuck!?) controls most of America. People look like ragged shit straight out of Mad Max or something. Jin Kazama goes stealing things from soldiers that for some reason only speak Japanese.

Now wait just a fucking minute. Isn't this America? In the future, are the Japanese outsourcing their labor like we are now? Why's everyone speaking in Japanese? Why not just get some hicks for lower pay? And what's up with the name of the corporation? Why not call it the Mishima Corporation? Why change the name?

So Jin does his Robin Hood act and gets surrounded by these three dudes that say they want him to join in the Iron Fist Tournament. Now we aren't really given a reason WHY the megacorporations hold this tournament once a year. Is it for kicks? Is it to decide leadership? Who the fuck really knows. At least in the games its for some esoteric reason.

"hey Jin, wanna join the Iron Fist Tournament?"
"Why?"
"For the lulz"

Jin declines their offer and goes home to someone practicing Tai Chi or something. His master? She looks kinda young OH IT'S HIS MOM. I didn't hear the part where he called her mom so it took me a while before I realized that this was Jun Kazama. They share a few tidbits before Jin leaves and makes out with his totally hot girlfriend. However, dudes raid the place, then Jun's house, looking for Jin. The leader of these raiding dudes: why it's Kazuya Mishima.

It will soon become clear that this Kazuya is NOTHING like his video game incarnation. In the video games this was a man who would not hesitate throwing his father and son into a volcano/blasting them into the sun/etc etc. But HERE, for most of the movie, he whines like a little girl how daddy doesn't want to give him the company. And when he DOES do something, it is sooooo half assed that it isn't even worth mentioning. Congratulations filmmakers, you've turned one of the most badass men in the game into a girl scout.

You know who would make an awesome Kazuya? Mark fucking Dacascos. That man is hardcore.

never has introducing food been so epic.

So Jin runs back only to run into his exploding house. Jun dies and Jin cries. He then decides to enter the Iron Fist tournament to kill the people who presumably did this to his mother. He beats Law (who looks like some shmuck that happened to wear Law's pants) and goes on as a wild card in the tournament. Along the way, he meets some dude named Steve Fox who I guess acts kinda like his manager.

Meanwhile Kazuya is totally making out with what I assume are Anna and Nina Williams. This seems ridiculously out of place with the rest of the movie. What ensues would probably not seem out of place in a skinemax movie. But you know, I don't care. I don't want to see Kazuya boning some chicks. I definitely don't want to see Kazuya boning some chicks while being outrageously emo about how his dad's cockblocking him. This is an action movie, I want to see Kazuya punching the brains out of someone. If I wanted to see dudes boning chicks, I'd watch porn instead.

But still...

Kazuya: "Incest? more like WINcest! harharhar"

So we cut to the Mishima building. Inside, Kazuya (in name only) is STILL whining about how he's playing second fiddle to his dad Heihachi. Asian pinups seem to be stuck to the walls, which probably provides ample entertainment for Kazuya when he's alone. *wink wink* On the other hand, considering that there's a woman lying down on the couch, he probably won't be using that pic anytime soon. Or maybe he needs some help getting it up. I have no idea what the production designer was thinking to be honest.

PICTURED: visual stimulation on wall, wasted woman on couch.
NOT PICTURED: us not giving a shit

So we are now introduced to the fighters. Bryan Fury, Raven, Eddy Gordo, Dragunov, Christie Montero, the Williams sisters, Miguel (who doesn't even look like Miguel) Since we get a lingering shot of Christie, we somehow get the idea that this is a major character and possible love interest.

But wait, what about hot girlfriend from the slums? Or is Jin just as flirty as his dad? So anyway, after a bit of banter, the matches begin in the central Tekken Arena. Apparently whoever was playing liked using the random select option. Haha.

Note that 90% of the rest of the fights in this movie will take place in this arena. All they will do is change the scenery a bit by adding plants and shit. I guess they spent all their production design money on the Asian pinups.

Jin wins his match and goes out with Christie, where they do some dirty dancing, completely forgetting about his girlfriend back in the slums. In the next episode of Cheaters, girl suspects her martial artist boyfriend is engaging in "multiple combos" with hot piece of ass.

even Kim Jong Il approves.

Now that Jin is officially cheating on his girlfriend (not that he could probably help it) he goes back to his room where he is promptly attacked by the Williams sisters. His hands end up bloody, which stay that way for the rest of the film.

Despite Jin and company calling shenanigans, the matches go on. Christie fights Nina, Jin fights Yoshimitsu. Both end up being quite disappointing. Christie doesn't fight capoeira like in the games, she's more of a mixed fighter here. Yoshi doesn't teleport or do weird shit. He just ends up being a guy in a weird costume. At around this time Kazuya FINALLY decides to do something and take Heihachi away, but it ends up being lame and anticlimactic.

Jin and co. Are captured, escape, then Heihachi tells Jin a bit about what really happened back then. Of course after that Kazuya comes and has Heihachi killed by his Japanese speaking soldiers, which ends up being totally lame for Kazuya, while being really badass for Heihachi.

Soon, disregarding all of the other matches (why didn't Anna fight? what the hell happened to the semis?) Jin fights Bryan Fury for the final title. It's okay, but hell, by this point you just want it to end. Jin wins, but then Kazuya comes to fight. As expected, Jin beats him like the sissy he is.

Jin walks off to the sunset, conveniently treats his tryst with Christie as a fling, and becomes... something. At least the Japanese dudes are saluting him now for some reason, which is totally weird since no one knows he's Kazuya's son except for the ones WHO JUST DIED, and the prize of the Iron Fist tournament was not properly explained in the first place.

THE END.

In the end, I guess it would be safe to say watch this movie when you're stoned, drunk or both. At least then you really won't care either way.