This is that story.
Place: The writing studio of Present Confusion
Time: 1am
(studio? is this even a studio?)
Well, the title basically says it all. I mean, what else are you going to expect when I tell you that the movie is freaking called Vampire Girl vs. Frankenstein Girl? It's not as if Violent Cop was about human rights activists in Tibet. I mean, come on. If you saw a movie like this and there were no vampires or Frankenstein's monsters, I'd ask for my fucking money back.
*sigh* deletes
Time: 2:30am
So basically Monami Arukado (Arukado = Alucard. Get it? Wahahahahaha I'm so clever. Harharrrrr!)
erm...
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Time: 3:00am
Based on a manga by Shungiku Uchida, Monami (gravure idol Yukie Kawamura) is a vampire. She likes this guy Mizushima (Takumi Saito, Boys Love.) But he already belongs to Keiko (Eri Otoguro, Oneechambara.) So they... wait a minute. I'm actually trying to discuss the plot... of a movie... called Vampire Girl vs. Frankenstein Girl? What the fuck?
*sigh* deletes
Time: 3:10am
Basically the movie is a splattergore fest in the vein of recent movies such as Tokyo Gore Police, Machine Girl and so on. All of them unsurprisingly had gravure idols somewhere in there. It must be the "talent."
Time: 3:15am
Yukie Kawamura. Yes, I can see that "talent" overflowing know what I mean? hee hee. Seriously though she was okay and is overall an OK actress, with roles in Ultraman and a few other horror movies. The movie was pretty much THIS but with blood all over her.Eh, might as well show Eri Otoguro too.
YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHTime: 3:20
...so the movie has these little segments parodying people who cut their wrists. There's even a contest in there. They even put in actress/makeup artist turned fake U-15 turned chaku-ero turned JAV actress Maki Mizui to portray the wrist cutting champion. Thing is, if you've seen her JAV or chaku-ero, she really has a ton of cutting scars on her left arm. I'm dead fucking serious.
Uhh... therapist?
*sigh* deletes
Time 3:30
...and moving on, in one of the segments Ganguro subculture is portrayed in an even MORE over the top manner that it just breaks my brain in half. Run like Joyner sistahhhh. I think blackface has reached a whole new level.
Time: 3:32
CHANGE! CHANGE! CHANGE! YES WE CAN! YES WE CAN! YES WE CAN!
...
*sigh* deletes
Time: 3:40
Oh, man. Fuck. I was about to tell you about... pfff what the hell man? How do reviewers keep a straight face when talking about the cinematography, themes and crap of a magnificent film like Vampire Girl vs. Frankenstein Girl?
"Oh, those shots when this dude cuts up that other dude was so sick, reminiscent of stuff blah blah blah. I have never seen such a well done 'skeleton impaled on the Tokyo Tower' scene before. Mainly because there has never been one before in the HISTORY OF CINEMA."
*sigh* deletes
Time: 4:00
So I was walking down the street minding my own business and this guy approaches me, and he says, "dude, have you seen that new movie Inception? It's like super awesome" and I was like "pfffffhhhh who cares, fucking Vampire Girl vs. Frankenstein Girl is on"
*sigh* deletes
Time: 4:10
Diggity damn fuck face sparkly vampire shit. When I see vampires, I want my vampires to suck blood and chew my eyeballs, not sparkle and whine like sissies. If there's only one vampire movie about a dysfunctional love triangle that you have to see in this decade, let it be fucking Vampire Girl vs. Frankenstein Girl.
How many Frankenstein's monsters has the tobacco smoking power of a Chinese man, and can helicopter-fly with a v-shaped rotor? How do those aerodynamics work anyway?
Time: 5:00
This is your classic B-grade Japanese 'extreme gore' movie. Ridiculously stupid, but that's what makes it fun.
Time: 5:01
CHANGE! CHANGE! CHANGE! YES WE CAN! YES WE CAN! YES WE CAN!
Vampire Obama wants YOU!
*sigh* deletes
THE END
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