C and J at the movies: Pamahiin

Last Thursday my friend C and I went to see a movie, not knowing that the choices were mainly a) things we had either seen before, b) didn’t want to see or c) a film by/with Steven Seagal. We were stumped. Eventually we went to watch something in the b category, a recent Filipino horror film called Pamahiin (in fairness to good ol’ Steve, we considered watching his movie… for about five seconds.) Instead of the usual review here are some of the things we said during the course of the film (more me than him, but anyway…) Was it a fun experience? Yes, it probably was. Was it a good film? We’ll let you decide. Some of the stuff was spoken in Tagalog and may not be verbatim. Remember, THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE A HORROR MOVIE. A MOVIE THAT IS SUPPOSED TO BE SCARY AS HELL.

(Five or so minutes into the movie)

J: Uy, puro pamahiin to ah… jinu-justify ata nila yung title eh. Kulang na lang me ladder sa tabi, tapos me black cat…

(A black cat darts into view)

J: …

* * *

(A character (Iya Villania, as Eileen) locks herself inside a room as someone chases her)

J: Why can’t (the pursuer) open the door? The keyhole is in (Iya’s character’s) side of the door (thus the lock has to be at the other side where the pursuer is)

C: Maybe it’s one of those locks where you push the middle of the doorknob to lock the door.

J: In the side with the Keyhole?

C: …

* * *

(A heart used for an evil ritual continues to beat)

J: I wonder how much that heart was in the market?

C: It looks clean nga eh.

J: (Evil character’s name) must have used a lot of Ringer’s solution…

* * *

(Iya’s character sees a ghost)

J: *imitates Iya Villania by opening his mouth really wide.*

C: …

J: Ginagaya ko lang, no… di kaya kinabag siya dito?

* * *

(Some jump scenes occur)

C: Some traumatic shit, paaare!

J: *laughing*

* * *

(a wall crawling scene occurs)

C: #&)!

J: Nice effects ah!

* * *

(A major SFX scene appears where the ghost is disappearing)

C: Hmmm…

J: YEAH! LENS FLARE!!!11

* * *

(A character, Mang Sebring, goes apeshit crazy after learning a piece of news)

J: Best actor, pare.

C: Ha?

* * *

(The same character is killed by a pane of glass)

C: Hirap naming paniwalaan yun. Ang layo niya dun sa gilid…

J: Oo nga… pahalang pa yung glass… unless he was chopped in two or something.

C: Dapat flat (reminded me of a scene in Final Destination 2…)

J: Oo, para madaganan ng mabuti…

* * *

(At seeing Paolo Contis character commit suicide)

J: Si Paolo Contis ba yun?

C: Oo.

J: Iba itsura niya… Must be the eyeliner.

* * *

(Words written in blood appear in front of the character)

J: Ang ganda ng font ah! Parang sulat babae.

C: Oo nga eh.

J: Yung a, diba, iba yung pagkasulat.

* * *

(Iya cries and acts terrified during a scene)

J: (indifferent to the scene) Shiny hair! Kintab ng buhok niya ha…

C: Akin yan, pare.

J: Ang cute, ang sarap hawa… este yakapin. Pero bakit yung hair niya palaging natatakpan ang mukha niya?

C: Yung hairstyle niya.

J: Hehe, tawagin natin ang hairstylist niya.

* * *

(Iya breathes heavily during a scene, simulating terror)

J *imitates*

C: Ano ba yang ginagawa mo?

J: Parang me tonic-clonic seizure (I was thinking more of kussmaul respiration later on, but this was the first thing that came to my head)

J: Nano-notice mo ba gumagalaw ang hair niya habang humihinga siya. Gaan ng hair nya, no? Anong shampoo kaya ang ginamit niya?

* * *

(blood drips down onto Iya’s face)

J: Chocolate!

* * *

(A scene transition occurs and Iya is shown talking to the phone explaining exactly why they are there and what they are doing)

J: How convenient! Exposition!

C: Para ma-explain…

J: Para sa masa siguro to no? Bait naman ng director.

(the same expository device is used later on in the movie)

* * *

(A scene occurs where the two characters lock themselves inside the house)

J: Cliché naman… teka, sungka ba yon?

C: Hindi ha. Ano yung ilaw na yon? (referring to a light outside the house)

J: May ilaw sila sa labas ng bahay. Aksaya naman sa kuryente ng mga to…

* * *

(A character leaves the car)

J: Sige, magpa-carnap ka…

C: Nasa loob na yata sila ng bahay eh.

J: (embarrassed) Ows?

* * *

(A character tells Dennis Trillo or whoever he is that Iya’s character is in the shower.)

J: Yesssss! SHOWER SCENE! SHOWER SCENE NA TOOOOHHHH!

C: … gago.

There. In my honest opinion this movie comes out as an awkwardly plotted, awkwardly paced, awkwardly edited, awkwardly acted B-movie grade film. The effects range from artificial-looking to good (at one point my friend couldn’t tell that a CG effect was in fact not real.) We don’t need continuous emphasis that this film is about Pamahiin (folk beliefs) in the first third only to abandon that and go into some weird ghost story that has something to do with witchcraft. Iya was cute, though, and whoever maintains her hair deserves praise.

But my friend seemed genuinely surprised by some of the jump scares. They don’t have the same power over me as they once had, seeing that I’ve seen the best of em. I guess there were a few good moments that could have scared me. Maybe. In a million years.

Otherwise, unless you’re willing to MST this movie to death, don’t see it.